Remember That!

This was one of the very first lessons I learned in Katryna Counseling.

My worth.

It is NOT defined by anyone or anything.

It just IS.

We are born with it, Yo.

It is infinite.

NO MATTER WHAT we do or don't do.

Our worth remains the same.

What other people say about you or think about you - does not effect your worth!!

So, straighten that crown.

And live up to that worth!

 

Self Affirmations

I usually do self affirmations when I am on the treadmill.

Since I have not been consistent as of late about being on the treadmill, I have not been consistent with doing positive affirmations.

This is a negative, People!!

It doesn't matter what your self affirmations are - do them!!

 

Bye

This.

Heidi 2.0.

It came MUCH later than what a lot of people thought it should.

BUT...

And, there IS a but...

I needed to continue to fall and fail so that I could learn from it all.

And so Heidi 2.0 would be legit.

I was not ready to let things go. 

I was holding onto Heidi 1.0 because it was comfortable and I didn't REALLY know better.

Now, though.

Now, I'm living Heidi 2.0 like a boss.

Once again...

Props to my T, Becky Beck, Miss Birdie for not leaving me stranded on the trail.

 

Stuck

Yesterday, I was asked to go live in a group page.

I did.

I can legit talk for days.

There had been a comment in a Messenger group earlier in the day about "feeling stuck."

At the of my live, which was on a completely different topic, I brought this up.

And, I led in with "WE ARE NEVER STUCK."

Here are my thoughts on this topic:

When I had my stroke, I was stuck.

Like literally stuck in a bed, paralyzed.

I FELT stuck.

However, Friends.

I was never actually stuck.

I could still blink my eyes.

I could still smile a great crooked smile.

I could still use my right side like a boss.

So, I was not stuck.

The only way we get stuck is if we choose to be stuck.

We always, always have the ability to PIVOT.

I freaking love this word.

Pivot.

Pivot.

Turn to the left or the right.

Find a different path off the path that you are currently on.

Sit down.

Stand up.

Talk to people face-to-face.

Pick up the phone and call.

Join new networks.

Listen to different music.

Move your body - any part of your body that you can move.

Pivot.

 

Roots

T got this for me for Christmas.

It's beautiful.

Like, SO beautiful.

But, there's a story behind it.

She told me that when things are hard in our marriage and our family, to always look at this and remember how strong our roots are.

It's true.

Our roots are strong.

 

Stop It

I know a lot of addicts.

In fact, as you know, I believe that just about everyone is addicted to something.

For some reason, if the addiction is considered "harmless," it's not considered an addiction.

Or something like that.

I'm an addict.

It's a terrible disease that takes over a person's soul and denies humans of their agency.

I'm a recovering addict.

It is a lifelong journey of recovery.

I am also a wife and a mom.

I am also an employee and a business owner.

I am also a blogger and a baseball fan.

I am also a colorer and a documentary lover.

I am also an auntie and a sister.

I am also a lover of yellow and an ice cream fanatic.

I am also a Coke Zero liker a lotter and a friend.

I stopped worrying about the judgements that people put on me.

That is their problem to deal with, or not to deal with.

As a reminder, there is not a line for people with "big" sins and a line for people with "little" sins.

There's just a line.

I love addicts.

I love recovering addicts.

They are the bravest of the brave.

To dig into that closet of despair, hurt, neglect, abuse, fear, anger...

It is the darkest of places.

And, addicts all have to open that door and let it all fall out on top of them as they sort through it.

There is no dumpster that can be set on fire.

It is going through the pieces of that close one by one and learning to love ourselves anyways.

Next time you see an addict... which is pretty much everyone you see... 

Don't consider them an addict.

Consider them a human who is lost and who, at some point, will have to open a closet of horror.

 

Prepared For an Extraordinary Destiny

I love C.S. Lewis.

I love this quote, too. 

Hardships are when we find ourselves on our knees because we have no where else to go.

We are literally drawn to the God we believe in;

Not because we've seen Him with our eyes, but because we feel Him in these moments when we are stripped of all worldly confidence.

Once we understand that our trials are not to show us our weakness, but to bring us to our strengths, we see our lives very differently.

We are more available, more present, to experience what we are meant to experience to bring us to our extraordinary destiny.

The hardest possible trials bring the opportunity to get things right.

To get the help we need.

To seek a better, more fit village.

To present our truth.

To live our best lives.

Without these trials, we remain stuck.

In misery.

It wasn't until my soul was just about wrecked that I discovered what had been weighing me down my entire life.

It wasn't until there was no more bottom to hit that I discovered I was ready to climb up and out, no matter how long it took.

It wasn't until I could only see darkness, that I searched for the light.

It is BECAUSE of my trials, because of my tribulations, because of my terrible choices that I am now able to not only see the light, but live in it.

Keep going.

Keep trying.

There REALLY IS health and happiness ahead.

 

Meant for Greatness

Preface:

I have a strong, lasting testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is run daily by humans.

So, like - not perfect.

When I was growing up in the Church, the young women (ages 12-18) are part of an organization called, "Young Women's." 

I have no doubt that it has grown, matured, altered in the way it is run.

I am going to speak on MY experience for a moment.

So, don't come at me.

My experience in Young Women's was less than awesome.

That is not to say that I didn't have some very amazing moments.

I did.

I can vividly remember two activities that have stuck with me.

They were incredible spiritual experiences.

But, for the most part... it was not a good experience.

Overall.

There were several things that were constant, at least in my perspective:

We needed to get married.

Have children.

Be moms.

And housewives.

And happily married.

And serve.

Cook well.

Clean well.

Teach well.

Serve all the time with smiles on our faces.

NOW.

Imagine my horror when I wasn't married happily.

When my children and I were abused.

Then abused again.

Then again.

Imagine as I tried everything possible to get it right...

Addiction to validation.

I have never been able to be a stay-at-home mom.

I have always worked more than one job.

Housewife, I was not.

I feel that I've repeatedly been the one who has been served, rather than the other way around.

Horror.

Being in class after class after class that clearly were not geared toward single moms who suck at a lot of things.

Who can't go to the scheduled activities at 2 or 4 in the afternoon because I'm at WORK.

I didn't fit in with the ladies who did carpool and after-school park visits.

I was at WORK and my kids were at daycare.

So, I was not like them.

I hope that was is being taught in these classes now is this:

Self awareness

Self esteem

Self worth

Value

Goals

Problem solving

Financial literacy

Things don't always work out the way they do in the lived-happily-ever-after books

What to do when they don't

That we are ALL Meant for Greatness.

Every single one of us.

 

Like A Champ

That top picture:

Exhausted.

Weary.

Dirt poor.

Messing up on the hourly!

In love with these children.

The bottom picture.

Exhausted.

Weary.

Dirt poor.

Messing up on the hourly.

In love with these boys.

Here's the thing:

We search for what people are doing wrong all of the time.

We are looking for it.

We are listening to everyone's stories.

We are hearing only what we hear and seeing only what we see.

In fact, we are all exhausted.

Weary.

Messing up all the time.

Maybe not as much as I mess up.

But we ALL mess up.

Even when I was deep into my addiction of validation, the fact that I was in love with my children never changed.

It just looked VERY different.

In fact, it looked like I didn't care about them.

Or love them.

That was not the case.

I was living through addiction.

As I was doing that, my thoughts were SO twisted, so upside down, so empty.

I never stopped loving my children, nor did I love them less.

I was very sick.

About addicts, people say, "WHY are they doing that?" 

"Don't they see what they are doing?"
"They need to stop right now!"

As an addict, I am telling you that to you those questions seem realistic and logical.

To the addict, we don't know why we are doing it.

We quite frankly rarely see what we are doing to others.

WE CAN'T STOP RIGHT NOW.

CANNOT.

ISN'T A THING.

It takes medical intervention, even with a process addiction like mine.

It takes just the right therapist(s).

I have two of them.

Still.

It takes a sponsor who is not going anywhere.

I have the best.

It takes SO MUCH WORK EVERY SINGLE DAY for the rest of the addict's life.

I'm all in.

Again...

I have no doubt that just about everyone has some kind of addiction.

They just don't see it.

OR they are unwilling to see it because they can see that others are worse than them.

Reminder:

What you consider your little sins are no different than what you see as someone else's big sin.

Be effing kind.

 

Like Children

This was a bad day.

I had just found out that I was an addict.

I was hurting.

My heart was bleeding.

My mind was all over the place.

I was on the phone with my therapist (brand new).

I was sitting on the steps of my brother and sister's house here.

Sweet Baby Anson knew that Auntie was struggling.

He just came and sat next to me for a LONG time.

He just sat there.

Nothing else.

Just sat.

As if to say, "I'm here, Auntie. You aren't alone."

Isn't that what Christ does?

The answer is YES.

 

Facts

I'm a Denzel Washington fan.

He seems very down to earth, very genuine.

I am a HUGE fan of this quote:

This is not a race.

You don't have to be perfect by age 25.

In fact, you don't have to be perfect if you die at age 125.

No matter how long it takes you, you still got there.

It took me 42 years to get the relationship thing right.

I still got it right.

It took me 41 years to recognize that I had an addiction to validation.

It will take me a lifetime of counseling and therapy to function without falling back down...

But I'm doing it.

And the 41 years before that were not failures.

Just learning and falling.

There is no timeline for success.

We have forever to get this right.

We just do our dang best.

 

Patience

If this isn't the truth...

Whether it is you running a new business or you exercising or you doing missionary work or you doing whatever it is that you are doing...

The day you plant the seed is SO RARELY the day that you eat the fruit!

It's meant to be that way.

 

One

I woke up in the middle of the night to a bunch of videos from T.

They are SO T and Heidi-like.

Like, I'd never send videos like that to anyone else.

Not my husband.

Not anyone.

She is my person.

We talk about things that seem so inappropriate.

Yet, we think it's so normal and we think we are hilarious!

I love her.

 

Don't Dim

Don't ever dim who you are to make others more comfortable.

 

Embrace

I am ALL about this.

We are mortal.

We have flaws.

All of us.

WE ALL HAVE FLAWS.

Just because your sins look different than mine...

Just because you have a card saying that you are worthy...

Just because you don't feel like you need to go talk to someone about your flaws...

You have them.

WE ALL HAVE FLAWS.

WE ARE ALL STILL AWESOME.

No one is without flaws.

It's okay.

Be awesome regardless.

 

CALM

I am SO excited about our newest CBD release.

CALM.

It is a 1000 mg Pure CBD, Black Seed Oil, and Terpene Blend Sublingual Oil.

This is a game-changer for Anxiety and Insomnia.

 

Always Good

I have a new friend.

She is darling.

Her hair is all different colors.

She has piercings.

She has tattoos.

She is SO adorable.

And, she's a fantastic mom.

For some reason, other moms believe that if moms don't look just like them, they are not good moms.

Get over yourselves!