What Will Make You Enough?

I spent almost a week desperate to get the answer to my first homework assignment.

Desperate.

The last thing I needed was to go back to therapy one week later with NO answer.

My desperate search for the correct answer brought back memories of my fifth grade teacher - an old, Jewish woman named Ms. Meserlian. 

Her hair was short, stuck to her head, with gray and black colors alternating each wispy piece.

Her nose was pointed, just under her ever-present scowl.

Her accent was thick and her temper quick.

She disliked me.

In fact, I was positive she disliked all children - but I was sure she disliked me the most.

I could NEVER get an answer right. 

And she was always quick as a whip to point that out. To the entire classroom of 5th graders who already wouldn't befriend me because I wasn't good enough...

I asked people around me what they thought made us enough.

It was as if I was on some reality show where everyone had been told in no uncertain terms to in no way at any time in any place give me the answer.

Three or four days had gone by and I still didn't know.

My answers on the first day of therapy that were written in my counselor's perfect hand writing on the white board in her perfectly decorated office were: being thin enough, being pretty enough, being smart enough, having a talent - any dang talent, being a good mom...

Those were the wrong answers, she pointed out.

Yeah, like I've never heard that before!

So, four days after I had been given the assignment to which I had no answer...

 I knelt beside my bed.

As you do.

When you've given up and you're ready to just be told the answer from the only One who can really give it to you--

But you're sure that you've never actually received personal revelation because you're not good enough or worthy enough to receive those kinds of things...

So, why did I think I would get an answer this time...

I did it anyways.

"God, I don't know the answer."

"God, what in the world makes me enough?"

"Like, what on Earth do You see in me? You know, that makes me enough..."

Then, People...

Shut the front door.

I got an answer.

As if it was a voice in my right ear.

It wasn't a voice in my right ear, but it was as if it was...

Don't go telling people I'm hearing voices... 

It was AS IF I heard, "You're already enough, Heidi."

Well, by golly Miss Molly!

There it was.

There was my answer.

I tucked that sucker in the front page of my Trapper Keeper and saved it for Wednesday, when I would meet my therapist again.

And when my appointment came, I walked right into her office with a little pep in my darn step and sat down and didn't even wait for her to speak...

"I'm already enough!!!"

I said it like I knew it. Like I meant it. As if I had been told in my right ear on that Sunday afternoon in my bedroom at the side of my unmade bed by an angel from on high. As if...

She smiled.

She said, "That's right. So get over it!"

Wait. What? Do you know how hard it was for me to get that answer?! Can we do like a gold star presentation? A sticker? Anything?! Because this just may be the first time in my life that I have been told that the answer was right. And you just want me to GET OVER IT?!

"Your value, your worth is unchangeable. It's not going anywhere. You can't do anything or not do anything to change your worth."

I'm pretty sure that I've told everyone around me that for quite some time.

"So, get over it. Move on. You cannot change your worth or your value. You're already enough."

"But, there is a difference between being enough and self-esteem, self-acceptance, the way you see yourself."

Oh.

"And that's the part that is going to take us a LONG time to get right with you, Heidi Girl...

Like, a LONG time.

Like, 32 years isn't going to be better in a few appointments. Long time."

I'm all in.

"Great. So your homework assignment for this week is to write down every single weakness. Everything. Be blatantly honest. Every single thing."

And this is going to help my self-esteem how?

At least this answer will get an A+ at the top of the page.

Can you put that A+ in RED?

With yellow highlighter over the red?

Please.

"See you next week!"

And with that, I took my imaginary Trapper Keeper, tucked it under my arm and headed out of the office.

Pretty sure I'm currently sitting at a 4.0 in counseling! 

Take that you mean 5th graders!