I Don't Want To.

Come in close for this one.

Like, CLOSE.

Do away with all distractions - which is impossible and when my guided meditation tells me to do so, I roll my eyes and laugh out loud because that's not even a thing, People. 

Counseling was a shit-show of epic proportions yesterday.

And, when I say shit-show I mean shit literally hit the fan that was cycling back and forth at setting EXTRA HIGH because the AC was broken and then sprayed the said shit all over the neutral-colored, well decorated office and onto my tear-stained face as I sat on my shrink's neutral-colored, leather couch. It was that kind of shit show.

I have started Step 4 in the 12-step program and I don't want to.

I don't want to do it.

And, by not wanting to do it I mean I may or may not turn into a runner again - picture active shooter training runner, not 5K runner because I sucked at that kind of running. I didn't even get a darn participation ribbon because they were done handing them out by the time I crossed the imaginary finish line (it had already been taken down).

But I will.

I will continue to work on Step 4 because this is the part that is opening my issues WIDE OPEN.

One time, when I was about 10 years old, we were at the Fresno Zoo. By we, I am talking about my parents, brothers, aunt, and her two children - at the time they were like two years old and six months old. The six month old, Alyssa, was fussy. Per usual, she was handed to me - the 10 year old cousin. I took her and sat on a bench that was right next to the entrance AND exit of the zoo - a VERY busy zoo, mind you. Before I knew it, Alyssa laid back in my arm and lifted my shirt right up over my head. She was looking for a boob that dispensed milk. 

I could not even begin to tell you how many people saw me with my training bra and chia-pet hairdo. 

But, the feeling was a bad feeling.

It is that kind of WIDE OPEN that we are talking about.

My counselor and I got to the age of approximately 7 or 8 yesterday as part of Step 4 - which is "inventory" of all of our experiences that have created feelings.

The issue, here, in this shit show is that I have NEVER felt feelings.

Ever.

In the history of ever.

Ever.

I have felt "bad" or "good" or "okay."

But I never knew what those feelings were or how to deal with them or what they meant or what to do with them. Until now.

At 42 years old.

Just now am I starting to learn what mad or sad or scared or confused or whatever it might be is and what to do with it.

I am learning to not run from them - which I have done for 35 years.

I am learning that they are not bad.

They are okay.

And, they are okay to feel.

I was diagnosed with Cognitive Distortion yesterday.

We will begin to deal with that as well in weekly counseling.

Why is this important?

Because our thoughts, feelings and beliefs are actually the roots of our addictive behaviors. Our addictions are a symptom of other causes and conditions.

And I am an addict.

So, Step 4 - let's do this!!