Tried in Fire

And I'm finding myself.

Not the same version of me that I have been for 32 years,

 but a stronger version. A wiser version...

Just a girl who has been tried in the fire, sometimes burned by it, often cracked by it -

Now filled in with gold.

Just a girl who finally, after doubting and hiding and numbing and running and questioning, is finding her worth...

And coming to the realization that she has always been... enough.

Yesterday was a post-stroke day.

Numbness and tingling in my face, forehead and down my left side.

Headache. Dizziness. Inability to focus or to remember what I am doing.

To my bed I went.

As I laid in my bed, in a dark and quiet room, I thought of that particular fire that God lovingly allowed me to endure.

It was, I believe now, just another way that He tried to get me to see that the path I was on would - if I didn't cross over quickly - destroy me.

I thought of this picture:

It was the first time my boys had come to see their paralyzed mama in the hospital.

It's about a week and a half out from the stroke.

It's in the dining room of the Neuro-Trauma Rehab Unit at IMC.

Randy, as he did every day, showered me, dressed me, and put my hair in a ponytail.

I was put into my wheelchair, covered with a my blanket and wheeled down to spend some time with my boys.

I was SO excited to see my kids!

They had lots of questions and wanted to talk all about school.

Randy played out in the hall with Colton, letting him race around the halls in wheelchairs... because Autism rocks!

Randy has told me that I was learning how to talk, how to form sentences, how to converse with people.

I was learning how to deal with all of the sensory issues of hearing, speaking, smelling, seeing, feeling.

I was broken, but on that night I was being filled with gold - the gold of my children's love.

Tonight, on Heidicction Wednesday I am going to talk a little about how I came to understand that I had an addiction.

God gave me lots of chances to see that I had a problem that I could not, alone, fix.

This stroke thing was a BIG one.

I still didn't see it.

So, let's talk tonight!