Choosing You

I have always been a girl who wanted to be loved.

I have always been a girl who wanted people to be proud of me.

I have always wanted people to like me.

I have always wanted people to speak highly of me.

I have always wanted to be the one who could brighten the lives of everyone else.

To that end, I have always been a "yes" girl.

If someone told me something that I could or should do differently, I'd try to do it - even if it was in secret of hiding.

If someone mentioned something I was not good at it, I'd try really hard to be good at it - even if they never noticed.

If someone talked about how I was bad in relationships, I would try with all my might to get into the best relationship ever so that they would be proud.

I tried to be a good homemaker, so people would see I was trying.

I tried to be a good, organized cook so people would see I had a talent.

I have tried to be the best mom to my boys, all by myself, all the while losing the battle by leaps and bounds because I simply couldn't do it all whilst trying to be the best at stuff that never mattered.

When my second grade teacher, Mrs. Kuiper, told us every single morning that bragging and talking highly of ourselves was bad and that people would never like us if we did that - I took it to the extreme opposite and was so self-deprecating that I literally hated myself.

When I was told that I was too heavy to fit into the cute clothes, or to ever have the boys like me, I starved myself until I was 103 pounds.

When I was told that I was too this or too that or not enough this or not enough that or I should be doing this or shouldn't be doing that, I shoved all of those feelings into a closet because I had no idea what to do with them. No clue.

I had never been taught what to do with feelings.

What they were. What to do with them.

I just wanted so desperately to be loved and accepted just as me.

In the end, I had no idea who I actually was.

I had tried so hard to be what everyone else told me to be.

Now, I get to figure out who I am.

And when we know who we are, we get to choose us.

Every time.

We get to be who we are.

The best version of us.

The divine creature we were created to be.

Regardless of whether or not other people like it or not.

We just get to be us.