Digging Into Emotions

I love this artwork.

I love the illustrations of emotions.

I would totally frame pictures of me with my different emotions throughout the hour!!

Because, Heaven knows I have plenty!

Beautiful.

Friday, I went down to IMC for my monthly neuro checkup.

Erica (my attending) had given me homework at my August checkup. 

It was a packet on emotion regulation.

I was to highlight each word, in each emotional category, that made me uncomfortable.

Every single word in the shame and fear categories was highlighted.

(insert emoji of girl with her hands up like, "dunno.")

So, we really dug deep into the shame and fear emotions. 

I'll give you two pretty intense examples of my constant state of emotion:

Two months ago, when I went to IMC for my checkup - 

I went to get on an elevator and pushed the button.

An elevator door re-opened.

There were two people on it.

One was Erica.

I immediately said, "Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to inconvenience you."

When we got to her office, she said, "Oh, Heidi. You never need to apologize for getting on an elevator with people."
But, I sincerely felt like I had just inconvenienced them by pushing the elevator.

I didn't want them to not like me.

I didn't want them to think that I was being selfish by pushing the elevator button to go to the 8th floor.

Second example happened Friday -

I got to IMC and went to park.

Mind you, the parking lot is empty, People.

Empty.

So, I parked in the closest spot there was.

As you do.

Then, I sat in my car for a good two to three minutes wondering if I should go re-park my car because what if I offended someone by parking my car in the closest spot?

What if someone else wanted that spot?

What if someone else is going to see my car there and be upset?

For real.

We talked about this.

She noted how I must be exhausted all the time

I am.

I am emotionally exhausted all of the time.

I desperately want people to accept me and like me.

I don't want to impede anyone.

I don't want people to dislike me.

I don't want to hurt people.

It is exhausting.

And, it takes a lot of therapy!