For Real For Real!

So, the whole not feeling feelings until I was 42 thing is a bit weird, if we are being honest.

I don't know anything different, which makes it seem even more weird.

Remember when I told my therapist that I was REALLY angry and she started clapping?!

It's weird like that...

Like, my shrink is applauding because I'm raging mad.

Like, "Well done, Heidi Rae. Well done."

Except it was more like a celebration.

Perhaps we should have had a pinata because, Heaven knows, I LOVE pinatas and since P is in Heaven and can't get me one in the foreseeable future, I could really use one in therapy.

I asked my shrink how long I would be angry for.

She gave me the compassionate, yet wildly amused that she actually has a patient like me, grin...

"Until you're not angry anymore, Heidi. Until you work through it."

She explained, remember that anger has a purpose.

A purpose, People!
Imagine that!
Like, it's okay!

Once that purpose had been served, I would move on to a different feeling - like there is more than this!

Taking a quick right turn here - like the tires are squealing around the corner -

I work with a gal.

Yup, I said "gal."

I literally asked her about a year ago what the name of her drug was because I needed it STAT.

This gal is legit happy, crazy-friendly, perky, NICE all.of.the.time.

You guys!
Never is she NOT like this.

I quite literally walked up to her and said, "What is the name of your medication?"

Do you know what she said to me?

"I'm just high on life."

Huh?

Why?

Are you sure?
There are no drugs AT ALL in your system?

Because there is no way this is actually even possible...

"Yes, Heidi. Just high on life!"

And she literally skipped back into her office.

She is older than me.

She is for real for real.

I often watch her, in all of her happy (like carnival ride with sticky cotton candy and fried foods while blowing bubbles happy) glory.

And, it is glory.

It's crazy magical or something.

Like, black magic.

Anywho... 

I watch her and I feel bad about my dang self for a hot minute.

Like, why am I not high on life??

Like, why do I not enjoy being at work 9 hours a day like she does?

Why am I not just overly friendly to people who are swearing at me, whilst spitting on me because they are unable to talk angrily without spitting or something??

Why do I not have a bounce in my step with my hair following behind in a perfectly choreographed frame of goodness?

Here's the thing...

NO ONE is happy all of the time.

It's not really a thing.

Not even for my idol, Miss L!

We go through seasons, even daily.

Welcome to Utah!

We literally go through all four seasons, People.

But, we are talking about emotions and sometimes we go through different seasons all in the same day.

Sometimes we are happy and angry and sad and tired and scared and completely joyful all in the same day.

That's sort of the way it's supposed to be.

And, it's okay.

Even when we are high on life, the winds of change come and we can experience human emotions that are normal and healthy and are going to happen.

Feel it.

Be okay with it.