Suicide Awareness Month

Heidicction Live tonight will be focusing on Suicide Awareness Month.

It's one of the most important topics we can cover.

It's one of those topics that no one wants to talk about.

Ever.

We hope that there will be a movie or a lesson in school or in church so that we don't have to cover it ourselves.

As a suicide attempt survivor, I am all too aware of how desperately we need to bring this topic to the forefront.

2010 was a bad year for me.

I mean, in the rating of years as the rating of years goes - it was probably a top five of bad years. 

I've had many, many bad years.

2010 brought another divorce. 

Shocking.

In 2010, I was raped in the basement parking garage of a building less than a mile from my parent's home.

Shortly after that, I called my Miss Birdie.

I told her that I had taken a whole lot of pills.

She told me that she was going to be calling the police.

I don't remember a whole lot about that conversation, or what happened over the next 24 hours, but I do know that she saved the life of my childrens' mother.

I do know that I ended up in a psych ward.

I do know that I was there for over a week, during which time my boys started school without their mama there.

I do know that I was exhausted.

Mentally and physically.

I weighed 103 pounds, and was diagnosed with an eating disorder.

I was also diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

I was put on some pretty heavy duty meds.

I slept a lot.

I ate really well.

I colored and painted and made crafts.

I went to seven therapy appointments a day.

I called my boys on the phone every night at 7 pm. 

I vowed never to do that again.

Many, many people asked me how it was that I didn't think of my children when I was trying so hard to go "home."

I told them that it was actually just the opposite.

I thought about my children entirely, and in my broken brain I felt that they would be so much better off without me here.

In the years following, my addiction became worse. 

My eating disorder got better.

I went to therapy for only two weeks.

I felt that I didn't have the time or money for that.

Soon, it became just another notch on my timeline of life.

It became just another year.

Now that I am in recovery, I feel that it is more than worth talking about.

Our lives.

Our efforts.

Our hopes.

Our stumbles.

Since that August day in 2010, I have thought about ending my life on different occasions.

I have felt drained and so tired from doing this life that I can't seem to get right.

But I don't.

I don't give into those overwhelming voices in my head telling me that it's okay to just end everything.

I keep going.

And you can too.

You are needed.

You are not insignificant.

You are loved.

You are not done here.