That's It

This really IS how we do life, right?

We try.

Then we do it again.

Once more...

Maybe a little differently...

Maybe tomorrow...

Now ask for help...

Then keep trying.

In reality, it's all that's asked of us.

That's it!

Just try.

Your very best.

Recently, Kaydon said to someone, "I'm extremely proud of my mom."

All of my children are victims of my addiction, my lack of knowledge, my immature understanding of feelings, and my bad choices.

Kaydon has expressed it most vocally. 

On Wednesday when he and I were at his eye appointment, he said, "Ma, I think dash is so good for you. I don't want you sitting in the house being lonely when Brothers and I aren't there." I told him that the previous weekend, I had those exact feelings... all alone in our house.

I told him that I had two choices in that moment:

Return to my addiction and reach out to people who are just going to exacerbate my addiction

OR

Sit with being lonely. Deal with it. And try. Again.

I chose door #2.

He said he was proud of me.

So, I continue to try.

My damn best.

Again.

Then once more.

Then maybe a little differently, with new tools and understanding.

Then again tomorrow.

Then I'll ask for help when I have feelings that are uncomfortable.

Then I'll keep trying.