The S Word

The S word.

Not shit.

Not suck.

Not suck the suck.

Not scrub the toilet.

Shame.

Read these quotes.

These three quotes are the essence of what I felt for 41 years.

Unworthy of love and belonging.

Capable of courage.

Disconnected.

Depressed.

Eating disorder.

Addiction.

This word is really the worst of the "feeling" words, in my opinion.

It is sort of the catch-all of the negative feelings.

And it is brutal.

It is painful.

It is debilitating.

It is bad.

And, it is worse when we ignore it.

When we shove it into that closet where all of our feelings hide out...

It grows and develops into an absolute monster.

So, what do we do with the S word?

We notice it.

For instance:

Lately, I have been feeling shame about going to the gym.

So, this is what I tell myself:

"I can feel that I am in shame. I feel it in my body not feeling worthy of being there with all of the fit people. I feel it in my wanting to just stay in bed. I hear it in my head, loud and clear - maybe if I lose weight or focus on fasting... I feel you and I hear you, Shame. 

And, in fact I have a chair for you at my table.

But, I am no longer interested in your feedback.

You don't get to have a voice anymore.

I am worthy.

I am enough."

And, that is literally what I have to do with feelings.

I have to have a conversation with them!

That is how I am noticing them.

Not ignoring them.

That is how I put a name to the feeling.

Then I ask myself why I am feeling this feeling.

Feelings are never dangerous.

Some of them just need to come, then go.

Others need to be looked at just a bit closer for information on what we need to do about them.

Then, I either act on them or I let them go and move on.

I know what it is like to feel DESPERATE for worthiness and connection and belonging.

It is the entire essence of my addiction.

It IS my addiction.

So, I keep practicing.

I keep working.

I keep reminding myself, hourly, that I am enough.

My worth has never been in question.

And, we can do hard things.