Irrational Addict Attachments

Weird title, I know.

I couldn't think of another way to title this post.

Here's my truth:
As an addict, many of my decisions were irrational.

The decisions I made were made by the addiction.

Read that again.

The decisions I made were made by the addiction.

Yes, they were absolutely made by me.

Heidi.

As we have noted before, addiction takes over agency.

Addicts make decisions based on their addiction - not based on logic or rationality.

As an addict, I just could not handle the idea of losing people.

Remember, my addiction is validation, attachment, connection with humans.

By "losing" people or by choosing not to have someone in my life, I was going against every single thing that my addiction told me to do - have connections with humans.

It was physically painful for me.

I could not be without people.

And, as irrational as it sounds - and it IS irrational - I always had to have a man in my life.

Even when I was being physically abused.

Even when my children were being abused.

Even when they were sleeping with other women - even my friends.

Even when they refused to hold a job.

Even when I was bailing them out of everything - including jail.

If, at any point in time, they told me they cared about me - that was all I needed.

To healthy people - those who are not addicts - this made zero sense.

Looking back, it is certainly irrational and defies logic.

However, I have compassion for myself.

I was addicted to feeling my voids.

I am an addict.

As I continue through recovery, I am learning that this quote is spot-on.

Does that make it easier to battle my addiction?

Some days.

Do I see this to be true?
Absolutely.

My mind is far less foggy from addiction... even though my addiction is not chemical-based, it is still cloudy and foggy due to addiction.

I see that those decisions were not correct.

I see that they were destructive.

I see that they were ridiculous.

However, I choose to show myself grace.

I was way under-developed emotionally.

Does my addiction still try to pull be into the rip currents of validation and the "need" to have connection?
Almost every day.

The difference is that I have tools to stay out of the rip currents altogether.

I pray that all of us who are less-educated on addiction will become educated.

Attend 12-step meetings.

Research addiction.

Understand that even if it might not pertain to you, most people have addictions of some kind - even co-dependency.

The more you know!!