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Yesterday, I had a long FB Messenger discussion with T.

That's how we do.

And, honestly there really is never any misunderstanding even though we are typing our situation out.

We get each other.

So, it works.

Anywho.

We were discussing a person that I know.

We were discussing that person's children and how they are handling some life changes-ish that their parent is making.

As we were talking about it, I told T how grateful I actually was to be able to watch this unfold.

It has made me even more aware of what I did to my own children in the midst of my addiction to validation.

See, I honestly believed that I was being a good mom.

There was a roof over our heads.

There was food in the pantry, cupboards, and fridge.

There was running water.

There were beds and a furnace, appliances and clothing...

I was still working a lot.

What I completely failed to recognize was that I was not meeting their emotional or spiritual needs.

They just wanted their mama.

At home.

At night.

Even if I was resting in my bed.

They wanted their mama close by them.

They wanted to come talk to me or be able to rely on me to help them with life problems.

They wanted to know where I was all the time.

In my attempts, at times, to protect them - I would simply go about my business without telling them every detail.

Now, I am in NO way trying to validate what I was and was not doing.

I am simply expressing gratitude for understanding of my addiction, the depths of it that I was in for decades, and what that illness did and can continue to do to my children if I don't remain in a state of awareness of my addiction and the ill-effects of it.

That's what it means to be in recovery.

Always striving to be better.

Always being aware of what I am doing and WHY I am doing it.

Changing behaviors as I realize them.

And, communicating with my children in every possible way. 

I saw this quote yesterday on Instagram.

I love this follow.

I often feel that these poems they write are meant specifically for me.

We all learn and feel differently, right?

I learn and feel and discover through the written word, mostly.

As T and I discussed this person and the choices that are being made, I realized that in many ways I have deleted a LOT of drama from my life.

A LOT!

That has helped me and my boys a great deal.

I absolutely love the quote about how when we know better, we have the ability to DO better.

There are also several talks about the fact that agency is not always what we think it is.

Yes, we all have agency.

We all have the ability to choose.

However, we can only utilize that agency based on the knowledge that we have.

And, God knows what that is.

Just one more reason why only He should be the judge.