Bad Day, NO Relapse

T received a "call for help" from me last night.

An SOS, so to speak.

It was a FB message that said, "Bad fucking night." "For real." Let's all be grateful that no one ever has to do this night with me again."

Her response, "I'm on the phone with my mom and then I'm calling you. Go sit out in the car and wait for my call. Give me 5 min."

That (I'm crying as I type this) is why T is my person.

She will always be my person.

She has been trained, by Katryna and probably by God, to be my person.

She is a gift.

Here's the story:

When I got home from work, I was in a "bad" place.

Mike came upstairs.

He had dinner in the oven.

He went to hug me and I pretty much ignored him.

He asked me multiple times what was wrong, if I was upset with him, what was going on.

Each time, I responded, "No."

Then, we called the little boys.

I am not going to go into details here, because it's a personal story that really only T and Mike, and probably Colton, know about.

Let's just say, I blew up.

I was now able to articulate that I was "Angry."

Mike asked me to write down my thoughts.

I did, but I was fuming.

Then, T got the message.

When she called, I still hadn't expressed really any emotions to Mike, who had no idea what to do with me, except to love me.

She was on speaker and he was able to listen.

And see my face, and her face.

I told her everything that went on.

She began by saying, "Heidi! I am so proud of you! One year ago, you would have responded to this night very differently." 

In other words, I would have RAN.

AWAY from Mike.

And my children.

RAN.

I didn't.
I stayed in there, in extreme discomfort because I had NO idea what my "bad" feeling was or how to articulate it.

T took a minute to talk to me, and then was able to tell me what it was I was feeling.

She was right.

Mike was hearing this.

Mike then said, "Babe, that's okay! But, it can't be that hard just to come home and say that you're upset but you don't want to talk about it right then."
T stepped in and explained to him that I really don't yet have that ability all the time.

*Later, I told Mike that what I CAN do from now on is to say, "Something is wrong. I don't know what it is. It's not you. But, I don't know what it is."

T talked me through what was happening.

She brought me back from the ledge.

Expressed that with this, I have to let it go and be okay with that.

And, I can be.

She talked to Mike a bit more.

And, we got through a really horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.

And, I never have to do yesterday again.

Guys, Mike loves me.

He is willing to learn this about me and be patient with his.

T loves me.

Just the way I am.

And, she ALWAYS is able to talk me through it with the understanding of my issues and my addiction.

I didn't relapse, meaning I didn't run.

I didn't try to smash my "bad" feelings into that stupid closet.

I experienced them - and so did everyone else! (sorry, guys)

I talked about them once I understood them.

And, we went to bed calmly and safely.