Betrayal

This is a tough one.

This is a tough post to write, although not as tough as it would have been last night.

Last night, I sat with Mike and allowed myself time and grace to feel a lot of emotions and to sort through a lot of thoughts that I ten months ago I would have run from.

Fast.

Far.

I recognize that I have been completely transparent and extremely vulnerable throughout my recovery process.

And, I have been very upfront with the fact that once a person is an addict - be it a chemical addiction or a process addiction - recovery never ends.

It is a constant, on-going process.

I also recognize that there are people who don't want to know or try to understand addiction.

I have learned, however, that there are people who claim to be part of your village or your support system or your friendship circle who in reality are betraying you.

And, when you realize that - it hurts deeply.

I asked Mike last night if feeling used and feeling betrayed are the same feeling.

I didn't know and in my mind I could not separate the two.

He said that he feels that you can be betrayed without being used;

But you can't be used without being betrayed.

And that made sense.

I then talked through the meditation that I do with balloons (imaginary).

I talked through my feelings and tried to articulate them.

Of course my go-to is good or bad.

Those are the only feelings I knew until last June.

It felt bad.

I felt hurt.

I felt sad.

I felt confused.

I felt angry.

I felt betrayed AND used.

Those may sound like very simplistic feelings, but I was immensely grateful that I could articulate.

Then, I talked through what I actually had control over.

Hardly anything.

What were my options?

Well, I could talk to this person - confront her.

But what would that do - nothing but add to the pain.

I really didn't have control over what she had said.

In fact, I hadn't even done anything to her that could "warrant" pay-back on her part.

She was just simply choosing to be dishonest (to the extreme).

I cannot choose what other people do.

And so...

I move on.

Forward.

With yet another opportunity to feel my feelings without running.

And that, in and of itself, is a positive.