Step Four

 Step 4: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

Sometimes I post first thing in the morning... as soon as I get to work.

Sometimes I write my post the day before because my mind is just going and going and I need to get it down, "on paper."

This is one of those posts. 

Step Four.

In my opinion, this step is the very most important of all twelve steps in the 12-step program.

It is, in my opinion, the very hardest of all twelve steps. 

A lot of people will disagree with me.

For a lot of people, step nine is the hardest.

Not for me.

Step four just about put me over the ledge...

All the way over the ledge.

I wanted to quit.

I wanted to just go about living a miserable existence that was phony and fake.

That seemed SO much better than going through this horrible exercise of making a "searching and fearless inventory" of myself.

It is terrifying and exhausting to find things in our lives that we have shoved into that pretend closet where we hide things that are too hard to deal with.

And so, you find them.

Then you have to deal with them.

And, as an addict of validation, you don't want to.

I DIDN'T WANT TO.

I fought it internally, and with Katryna, and with T for periods of time.

Then, we dove in and we did the work.

SO much work.

Hard work.

Painful work.

This work took weeks.

And weeks.

And is still happening.

I learned this:

I am a good person, who is (as we all are) flawed.

So flawed.

I am sensitive.

I am an introvert.

I am a people-pleaser... to the extreme.

It is my addiction.

I am also a people-fixer... to the extreme.

It is my addiction.

Throughout my life, I have had this incredible desire to be exactly what everyone else wanted me to be.

My mother.

My grandparents.

Any male in the world who paid any sort of attention to me at all. 

In any way.

Isn't it interesting that I didn't list myself there?

Not so much... it's my addiction.

Today.

Today is different.

Ish.

I had a moment today of absolute heart-break.

Sadness.

That sort of crushing sadness that I now need to feel, so I allow myself to feel.

Now, I do have a routine, of sorts now.

When I really need to feel very hard emotions, I notify Mike and T that I am needing to feel.

Really feel.

That way, I am accountable to really allowing myself to feel without crashing.

That is my addiction, really.

To change who I am and how I actually think in order to NOT feel... so doing whatever I deem necessary to not feel sad - which normally means being whatever that person needs me to be.

No matter what that means for me.

So, today...

I dove deep inside.

I took a drive.

I ate really healthy food - veges and fruit.

I colored.

I did a lot of things that I should not have done while at work...

But, in order to save myself in these moments, I did them all.

I talked to T until I felt strong enough to walk on my own two feet.

While talking to T, Mike was trying to video chat with me.

He said, "Are you talking to T? I'm trying to call you."

And, that...

He knew.

He knew that if I wasn't answering, I was talking to T.

Because he knows that she is my kitchen cabinet.

And, in the midst of talking to her, she was also talking to him.

Because she knows he is my greatest choice.

I felt.

Guys, I FELT.

Because after step four, there is no more closet.

I refuse to take all of the boards that are up on that closet door now because that closet is SO painful!

I insist, now, on not ever using that closet again.

Everyone.... every single person should go through all twelve steps because they are so, incredibly valuable for everyone!

But hard.

Be prepared for work.

And a work that is never-ending.

Ever.

It can't ever stop.

Because then addiction wins.

And, it won't win.