Runner

I have always been a runner.

We've discussed this before.

I am not a runner in the sense of putting really good athletic shoes on and heading out for a 5K...

No. No. No.

I'm a runner in the sense of things are really hard and the waves are really high and they are battering me and I've got to get out of here.

As opposed to - let's hunker down, weather the storm, stay within ourselves and do this with love and grace and integrity.

I recognized this morning that I am in the process of running.

Heidi OUT.

I have never felt the storms battering me as much as I do right now.

Running has always been my go-to.

It is part of my addiction, you see.

Addiction never completely goes away.

So, I just took a step back.

Took some breaths.

Talked to my husband (who this has nothing to do with. I love this man with my whole being).

And recognized that I am running - or at least preparing to.

Running is exhausting, really.

And, SHOCKER, it never makes anything better.

It is a vicious cycle that never ends well.

So, I'm standing in the pounding waves.

I'm letting the rain and sleet and hail pound me.

I am feeling all of it.

I am discovering new and healthy ways to withstand it and to express how it all makes me feel.

This is a HUGE step for someone who has been an addict for so long.

I'm proud of myself.

Not disappointed that it took me a hot minute to recognized it.

Not disappointed that I considered running.

Just showing myself grace that I figured it out and that we are back in the game.