Your Worth is Not Determined By Your Lashes, Heidi

If you know me, you know that I love to preach about worth and value...

How those things are not up for discussion;

They aren't changeable;

They can't be raised and they can't be lowered;

They are concrete.

Unchangeable.

We are ALL born with it.

As children of God, which I believe we are, we were born with our value and our worth.

One more thing, none of us have more value or worth than another.

We are all equal in the value and worth column.

I REALLY believe this...

When it comes to everyone else.

As a recovering addict to validation, believing this myself about myself can be quite a hurdle to climb.

The last few weeks, I have struggled A LOT with thoughts of inadequacy, especially in the image department.

I am 10-15 pounds heavier since I met Mike.

This is probably because I now eat three meals a day.

But, for someone who has had an eating disorder in the past, this is terrifying.

I call myself "disgusting," "fat," "ugly," and "not good enough."

My hair has decided that it wants to "fry" and break off everywhere. 

I will be cutting it into a very short pixy cut tomorrow.

HUGE image change.

My lash extensions all fell out, and with them went my real lashes too.

I originally got extensions because I have a very bad habit of pulling my natural lashes out, then getting eye infections.

Little did I know that they had become part of my self-image.

I went two weeks with no lashes.

Putting medicine on my eyes twice a day.

I have developed SO many wrinkles and deep fine lines.

I even asked Mike if I could get botox.

Mike has never told me "no."

He did this time, and I'm grateful.

My Grandma Robb, to me, was the essence of beauty...

The very definition.

When I think of her outer appearance and what I found to be the most beautiful thing about her, I think of her wrinkles and her fine, deep lines that covered her face.

In fact, this is probably where I get the genetics for these very things that I decided I hate about myself.

Yet, I found her to be the very most stunning woman I have ever seen.

Mike has worked hard with me the last few weeks, reminding me that he thinks I'm beautiful.

He has put positive affirmations up where I can see them.

Annoying.

But, I know from recovery that it is not his loving opinion that can get me out of this plunge into a horrific self-image.

It is mine.

I must be the one to change how I feel.

To remember that I am God's creation.

That is good enough.

And, that my lashes do not determine my worth.

Mike said to me a couple of days ago, "Babe. Your lashes do not determine your worth. You of all people knows that to be true."

He's right.

In moments like this, I remind myself that I am His.

I ask Him to remind me how He feels about me.

I focus on what I do have control over - going to the gym daily, not focusing on social media, not comparing myself or having envy, meditating, thanking my body and my mind for being amazing!

In other news, I have shingles. On my face.

Carry on.