This is the step that made me want to quit recovery and just live in my addiction forever.
This is the step that hurt the worst.
This is the step where I had to learn all the emotions, all the feelings...
This is the step where I learned about me.
And it hurt.
It was frightening.
It was so sad.
It was a lot.
And I'm still here.
I'm still in active recovery.
I really owe my ability to get through step four to Katryna, Erica, T, and Heavenly Father.
I flew through steps one, two and three.
I was feeling SO good about my dang self in recovery...
Like, this is nothing but a thing.
Then I hit step four and I felt like I was right back at the bottom of that human ravine, but this time I had no way out.
I had to stay there until I could work through it all.
It took months and months to get through step four.
But, I did it.
And with it, I created boundaries.
I understood better where my addiction originated from.
I was able to allow myself grace and compassion.
This will always be the step that holds me up at times, but I am not my past.
I am my present, and it's a gift.
This step requires you, the addict, to make a lifelong, WRITTEN, inventory of your life.
All of it.
Without judgement.
Without shame.
THIS is where you learn your own story.
And you leave it where it is - in the past.
So many times when I am stuck, I can go to my notebook that has two columns:
Past - Present
... and see that my current reaction, my current thought process and therefore narrative, is from the past... from past feelings... from past hurts...
And I can bring myself back to the present.
Back to the current circumstance/fact.
And I can work through it without delving back into my addiction.
This step will require help.
And that's okay.
Counseling, group and/or coaching.
If you would like to work with me one-on-one, I currently have a holiday special:
Four sessions for $200.
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