Heidi Rae Coaching - Seeing Ourselves in Others' Stories

Babes!!

This one can be triggering. If you are in a multi-year state of recovery from validation addiction, or any process addiction for that matter, this can be empowering. It can also bring about a LOT of feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc. So, let's talk about it!!

Last week I watched a documentary on Hulu called, "Betrayal: The Perfect Husband." It is a documentary about a man who was rewarded "teacher of the year." He was married, divorced, re-married. He was a husband whilst having dozens of affairs that went on for years, whilst also grooming and abusing his students. He served prison time for this, has been released on parole, and is a registered sex offender. The documentary takes the point of view of his wife (at the time, they are now divorced), his mistresses and his victims.

As I watched this film, I was a bit triggered. I saw messages he sent to women and children that I had been sent. (not by him, but the wording was exact, word-for-word, what I had been sent by other men) I heard the thoughts and feelings of the women involved. I watched his personal reactions and responses. It all felt familiar. It WAS familiar.

I took some time after each episode and asked myself how I was feeling. What were my thoughts? What were my emotions? I was able to understand that I am different now than I was then - and for 40 years of my life! And that felt good.

I was also able to understand that if I had watched this exact same documentary five or six years ago, I would not have even sorta kinda understood that I was absolutely drawn in by these disgusting text messages, social media messages, in-person messages... that I was absolutely one of those women who predators could pick out of a crowd and lure in. I was completely unaware of who I was, and I simply didn't care. I did not care who I was because I was perfectly willing to be whoever every other human on earth wanted me to be - in that very moment. I was absolutely enthralled with any "attention" I would get. It meant I was worthy of love. I was loveable. All I ever wanted was to be loved, and to have someone love me enough to, like, want to be with me. I want to just wrap my arms around the former me. I want to just hold that me and tell her that I was worthy... oh, so worthy of actual love, actual respect AND that I could give that to myself!!

As I watched and listened to this man's now ex-wife, I marveled at her. This is a successful, smart, confident, all-in woman. She does not present as a helpless female who needed a partner in her life. She is beautiful. She is respected. She is dignified all by herself! And yet, she was absolutely a victim of his and had no idea for years. One of the things said of her toward the end of the documentary really hit me. She was speaking of his release from prison and one of her dearest friends spoke of how it felt for his ex-wife to watch this person who did all he could to destroy her life, dozens of lives, and who abused minors to watch him "land softly" when released. That was hard for her to watch. That resonated with me! There is something to be said about maybe watching parts of our own story be replayed in different ways in others' lives and having all the feels! I asked myself why I felt so, I don't know - supportive or empathetic, with her feelings. Was it because I felt the real need to watch the people in my life somehow suffer for "hurting me?" No. Actually, no not at all now that I've done so much work. Was it because I felt the sense of needing predators/abusers to suffer publicly so that everyone can actually see that they are doing terrible things? Why? Then, I stopped myself and just had comfort i knowing that I sympathized and empathized with this stranger simply because I could. Because I understood. Because I knew. Then I moved forward.

There are definitely times when, as we are going through recovery and healing, we may see ourselves in others' lives. It can be triggering. It can also be a really positive experience where we can look back at our lives and recognize how dang far we have come. And, I've come far.

XOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Feel Your Feelings

Babes!!

Raise your hand if are someone who tries to stay as busy as possible in order to avoid feeling. Oh, goodness! I spent over three decades doing everything possible to avoid feeling. EVERYTHING!

When we, or loved ones, are struggling with heavy things, we tend to point out the "positives" in the situation. We are well-meaning humans trying to help. But in reality, we are assisting with that very mortal need to avoid feeling. We say things like:

"It's a blessing in disguise!"

"At least you have ___ or ____."

"In the end, it will be okay!"

"At least you don't have this trial or that trial!"

"You'll look back on this and realize it was a stepping stone to bigger and better things!"

While those sentiments might actually turn out to be true, in the moment we don't need to (and shouldn't) say any of them. Instead we need to validate the feelings that we, or others, are feeling. We need to encourage feeling them. We need to let them know that it's healthy and normal to feel whatever they are feeling: anger, fear, frustration, confusion, sadness, numbness... There are no bad feelings. They are just feelings!

So instead of trying to help people NOT feel, we can say things like:

"Those feelings are valid!"

"Wow! I can't even imagine what feelings you must be having. Do you want to talk about them?"

"What space can I hold for you while you experience this?"

"I see you. I hear you. I'm here for you when you want to talk."

Processing and experiencing feelings is a healthy part of living a full life! When we try to suppress "bad" feelings, we are not able to experience "good" feelings. Struggling with emotions and feelings, or putting them off, or hiding them, or shaming ourselves for having them leads to MORE suffering!

Feel!!

XOXOXO