Connecting

Saturday night, we had date night.

We ate ice cream that we have hidden from the children.

We watched Jingle Jangle (highly recommend it!).

And we did it all in our bed.

This is what most of our date nights have looked like this year...

And we love them.

I love this man.

I am so grateful that I feel so connected to him.

I told him this weekend that I really don't like Christmas shopping, or doing any shopping for that matter.

He's on it.

I also expressed my boundaries to him on our way to Thanksgiving at my parent's house.

He has always supported my boundaries and is my advocate when I am falling short of advocating for myself.

This shingles thing has been a bit of a nightmare.

He has my medicine schedule all set up and makes sure that I am on it.

I am just so grateful for him, for our connection moments, and for our adventures to come.

 

Holidays & Boundaries

This is a tough time of year for those who have recently, or even long ago, set boundaries with loved ones and those close to them.

This is a tough time for those who have addictions that effect their ability to not be people-pleasers, regardless of the consequence and outcome.

Holidays can be tough for those who have anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and PTSD.

We don't talk about this part of the holiday season.

We all want so badly for the holiday season to be holly and jolly and merry and joyful.

But, for many people it is not.

And, that's okay.

Below are several images to help, I hope.

And if these don't help, please know this much:
You are not alone.

You may not feel seen or heard or understood, but I can assure you that you are not alone.

It's okay for the holidays to not be a holly, jolly time.

It's okay if you have decided that staying home, by yourself, is the healthiest way to do the holidays!

It's okay if you are choosing to go on a trip all by yourself for the holidays.

It's okay if you choose not to hug those who are expecting hugs.

It's okay if you choose to set a time frame as to when you will arrive, and when you will leave, any holiday celebration you attend.

It's okay if you choose to order Door Dash for the holidays.

It's okay if you cry during the holidays.

It's okay if you are angry, scared, lonely for the holidays.

And, you are not alone.

I am here.

I am one of you.

Your feelings are valid.

I am validating your feelings.

Be kind to yourself.

 

Your Worth is Not Determined By Your Lashes, Heidi

If you know me, you know that I love to preach about worth and value...

How those things are not up for discussion;

They aren't changeable;

They can't be raised and they can't be lowered;

They are concrete.

Unchangeable.

We are ALL born with it.

As children of God, which I believe we are, we were born with our value and our worth.

One more thing, none of us have more value or worth than another.

We are all equal in the value and worth column.

I REALLY believe this...

When it comes to everyone else.

As a recovering addict to validation, believing this myself about myself can be quite a hurdle to climb.

The last few weeks, I have struggled A LOT with thoughts of inadequacy, especially in the image department.

I am 10-15 pounds heavier since I met Mike.

This is probably because I now eat three meals a day.

But, for someone who has had an eating disorder in the past, this is terrifying.

I call myself "disgusting," "fat," "ugly," and "not good enough."

My hair has decided that it wants to "fry" and break off everywhere. 

I will be cutting it into a very short pixy cut tomorrow.

HUGE image change.

My lash extensions all fell out, and with them went my real lashes too.

I originally got extensions because I have a very bad habit of pulling my natural lashes out, then getting eye infections.

Little did I know that they had become part of my self-image.

I went two weeks with no lashes.

Putting medicine on my eyes twice a day.

I have developed SO many wrinkles and deep fine lines.

I even asked Mike if I could get botox.

Mike has never told me "no."

He did this time, and I'm grateful.

My Grandma Robb, to me, was the essence of beauty...

The very definition.

When I think of her outer appearance and what I found to be the most beautiful thing about her, I think of her wrinkles and her fine, deep lines that covered her face.

In fact, this is probably where I get the genetics for these very things that I decided I hate about myself.

Yet, I found her to be the very most stunning woman I have ever seen.

Mike has worked hard with me the last few weeks, reminding me that he thinks I'm beautiful.

He has put positive affirmations up where I can see them.

Annoying.

But, I know from recovery that it is not his loving opinion that can get me out of this plunge into a horrific self-image.

It is mine.

I must be the one to change how I feel.

To remember that I am God's creation.

That is good enough.

And, that my lashes do not determine my worth.

Mike said to me a couple of days ago, "Babe. Your lashes do not determine your worth. You of all people knows that to be true."

He's right.

In moments like this, I remind myself that I am His.

I ask Him to remind me how He feels about me.

I focus on what I do have control over - going to the gym daily, not focusing on social media, not comparing myself or having envy, meditating, thanking my body and my mind for being amazing!

In other news, I have shingles. On my face.

Carry on.

 

#Givethanks

President Nelson, Prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, gave a message last week.

This is the message.

He asked us to flood social media with gratitude, using the hashtag "Give Thanks."

I have enjoyed, SO MUCH, reading post after post after post about things that people I care about deeply are grateful for.

What a change from what I was reading on social media prior to this challenge.

I am thankful for a Prophet of God.

I believe President Nelson to be a man called of God, who loves ALL of God's children.

I believe that gratitude, and the expression of it, is Godly and can change the world.

I am grateful for this challenge and for all who are participating!

 

This.

I am going to assume that every one of us can relate to this.

Can't we?

How many times have we laid our heads some place, i.e. the bathroom floor, the steering wheel of a car, the kitchen counter, our pillow, and cried tears of agonizing proportions?

Knowing, just KNOWING that tomorrow couldn't possibly come because our personal world had ended.

How many times have we not wanted the world to go on tomorrow because we could not imagine living with such pain another day?

But it did.

It did come.

And, we did go forward.

This has been a strange year, but even stranger is that it hasn't seemed that strange to my children and I.

It's like just another year of trials, you know?

Is that a good thing?

Perhaps.

Because has much as people who I shouldn't trust because I don't even know them are saying that our world is crumbling and we are all going down some tunnel of disaster...

We've seen all of that before in our personal lives.

And each and every time, we chose to get up again the next morning.

Almost three years ago was the stroke.

I remember the second night in the ICU finally sort of understanding what was happening and crying all.night.long.

Sobbing.

Just wanting someone to pull the dang plug.

There was just no possible way I could go on like this.

What a burden I was!

A very smart nurse said to me, "Get it all out. Feel it all right now because tomorrow, you're going to wake up and start working to get better."

She continued: "Your job is to FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT."

She always said those words in threes.

As I was rolled out of the ICU to be transported to a different hospital, she stood in the hallway with tears running down her face repeating those three words.

And fight fight fight is what we do, isn't it?

We let ourselves feel all the things.

We validate those feelings.

We appreciate those feelings.

Then, we get up the next morning and fight fight fight.

 

Emotionally Drained Checklist

This is a really good list to go by.

Why do you feel burned out?

The key to helping yourself is trying to understand why it's happening in the first place.

 

Self-Validation As A Validation Addict

I took these pictures last night.

The reasoning is multi-fold.

As you might know, I've been getting eyelash extensions for three years now.

I began getting them because I have a very bad nervous habit of pulling my real eyelashes out.

This has caused repeated infections.

With the extensions on, I don't pull on them.

I allowed a new girl to put extensions on a couple of weeks ago.

It went less than good.

When I brushed through them, they all came out - many with my natural lashes.

I was less than happy.

I called my girl and she got me in last Saturday.

Well, there was no way she could put extensions on what I had left.

So, I have been using some medicine and hope to get extensions put back on next week.

In the meantime, I am struggling with my addiction to validation.

The difference this time is that I am struggling not with needing outside validation, but I am struggling with self-validation.

I have realized that my lash extensions became a bit of an image thing for me.

Now, this isn't terrible.

It is just something that I need to be aware of.

Then, there's the wrinkles.

And the fine lines.

And the aging.

It's all having some sort of mental effect on me.

Only I can nip that in the bud.

So, this is what I am doing:

1. I am thanking my body every chance I get. When I'm on the treadmill, I take several minutes to thank every body part. My feet, my legs, my knees, my core, my hips, my toes, my swinging arms, my fingers, my mind.

2. I take time throughout the day to ask myself what I see, what I hear, what I smell and feel.

3. I remind myself that I have given birth four times. 

4. I remind myself that I am God's creation. Literally His creation. 

5. And I move on.