This, here at the top.
It's a preface to what you are about to learn about me.
People, this is no Sunday drive through the canyon whilst eating Red Vines and Kettle Corn.
This, here, is going to be a roller coaster ride of jaw-dropping and mind-blowing and complete and utter shock for most of you.
If you are queasy for such facts, exit the coaster now.
If you feel you can handle this without parental discretion (which is still advised), then please, coaster riders, keep all extremities in the coaster at all times.
You've been warned.
Age 18: Engaged after three weeks of "knowing" the person.
Age 19: Married and marriage annulled.
Clarification: This person was not at all who he professed to be. In fact, he was a completely different person literally. Like, identity and all. You can't make this stuff up.
Age 20: Engaged.
Age 21: Married.
Age 22: First baby. Sweet Jackson.
Age 24: Second baby: Sweet Braxton.
Age 25: Third baby: Sweet Kaydon. Born six weeks early.
Age 26: Fourth baby: Sweet Colton. Born eight weeks early. In NICU for three weeks.
Also age 26: Divorced with four children under four. (physical abuse on me and all four children)
Age 27: Kaydon has been on hospice and has had four operations. Braxton has had two operations. Colton has had one.
In total, my boys will eventually have had 29 operations.
Colton is diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, Anxiety and Learning Disabilities. He is legally disabled.
Between age 27 & age 29: Men
Age 29: Engaged and married and moved with two step-daughters
Age 32: Divorced. (he slept with my best friend daily and physically abused my children)
Also age 32: Eating disorder hits epic proportions. I attempt suicide. I am admitted to LDS Hospital's Psych Ward. (to be discussed in a future post because this one is just already a party!)
Age 33 - Age 36: My addiction is at an all-time high. Refer to yesterday's post. If a person with a penis will pay any attention to me at all - I'm his. No matter what else might be going on, and People do I have stories for you!
Age 36: Married and moved and one step-daughter.
The best part about all of this is that I TOTALLY knew what I was getting myself into every.single.time. I just felt completely confident that I did not deserve anything better. I defined myself aloud as "someone else's used garbage," and this was exactly how I've lived my life. Do with me what you want - it's already been done!
Age 38 or 39 (it's all a blur): Divorced. He got other women pregnant whilst married to Yours Truly. And because I felt sorry for the products of said affairs, I babysat them!
Age 38 or 39 to Present: Too many men to even remember. That's no exaggeration, Folks.
And, the part that now has me in treatment... the part that absolutely makes this entire thing sickening and heart-breaking and mind-blowing: my boys. My boys have seen it all. They have felt it all. They have endured it all. And they have asked this question repeatedly: "Why aren't we enough?"
Oh, Boys. You've always been enough. It was Mama who didn't think SHE was enough.
I will say this before bringing this off-the-tracks coaster ride to a screeching halt:
First of all, stay buckled until this thing comes to a COMPLETE stop.
Safety first.
I have loved (actually loved) twice.
TWO times.
Out of a lot.
Twice.
For those two times, I am grateful.
For those two times, I have hope after treatment.
For now, though, I'm an addict.
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