I need to take a break from the list-making which commenced yesterday.
You people really have no idea how much worse it gets once I turned 18.
We will pick up where I left off in a day, or two.
I need to up my dose of CBD prior to delving into the years where I pretty much punched my ticket to the depths of Hell and did so without even flinching. I could have, at the very least, purchased non-flammable outer wear prior to jumping in head-first. Noted.
In the meantime, allow me to share with you my love for Ms. Elizabeth Gilbert.
If you have not read this book... and apparently I was the only human alive who hadn't read it prior to a couple of weeks ago... READ this book. I plan to start it a second time in about a month.
This book was a straight-up answer to my pleas to The Father for direction, comfort and guidance.
Allow me to share with you pretty much all of page 72 (you're welcome!):
Actually, I take that back.
We will commence (my new favorite word in the English language) on page 71:
...I've decided to sit this particular game out for a while. I don't want to get involved with anybody. Of course I do miss being kissed because I love kissing... When I get lonely these days (and People, I'm an addict, so I get lonely on almost everyday), I think: So BE lonely... learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings...
I have consistently had a boy or a man in my life ever since I was 15 years old. That was - oh, let's see - about nineteen years ago now (27 for me, but who's counting besides me?!). That's almost two solid decades (Sweet Liz, you got nothing on my hot mess!) I have been entwined in some kind of drama with some kind of guy. Each overlapping the next, with never so much as a week's breather in between. And I can't help but think that's been something of a liability on my path to maturity...
Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. (Liz, My Friend, PREACH!!!)
I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have EVERYTHING. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - EVERYTHING. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all of your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else...
...I could use a little break from this cycle, to give myself some space to discover what I look like and talk like when I'm not trying to merge with someone... When I scan back on my romantic record, it doesn't look so good. It's been one catastrophe after another. How many more different types of men can I keep trying to love, and continue to fail?... my spirit and my body are depleted.
My Dear Soul Sister, Elizabeth Gilbert,
We have never met. But, you literally and so articulately just described my life in the most perfectly-worded pages of the most beautiful book I have ever read.
This, my friends and enemies, is me.
Described in one and a half pages.
My addiction - to a tee.
And so, after finding a Xanax or five, I shall discuss age 18 to now.
And recovery.
Treatment.
Falling and falling and falling.
And my attempt to get back up.
People, if nothing else, we are all going to get a bit motion sick on this train wreck!
Grab the Dramamine - preferably the non-drowsy form and start popping pills!
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