Clear Mind

When I stepped back from my addiction - 

Clear back from my addiction - 

I began to see and hear and feel differently.

My mind and my Spirit and my soul were now free from the chains that bound them.

Those chains were wrapped and wrapped and wrapped - tightly.

With large bricks of concrete hung from the locks which kept me bound from freedom.

Addiction literally takes away agency.

Addiction steals from addicts the ability to choose.

The addiction chooses for us.

For someone who is not an addict, this may be hard to understand.

I have had people say to me, "Just stop." "Just don't do it." "You chose this." "Your choices are what keep you bound."

To those people, I say that I understand what they are saying.

I also say that if it were that easy, no one would be an addict.

As an addict, I felt that I was not happy without my addiction.

I felt that I could not have joy without my addiction.

I felt that I could not smile or live cheerfully without my addiction.

I NEEDED my addiction.

Brandon said to our stake president, "Heidi doesn't think she's happy when she is not immersed in her addiction. But when she isn't drowning in her addiction, she is much more able to live. Her home runs more smooth. She is free and she is happier. She just doesn't see it that way."

So, when I was free from the chains that were suffocating me - I saw that.

I look back at pictures of my warriors and I.

I see smiles.

I see genuine content.

I see trials and struggles, for sure.

And THAT bring me joy.

Because THAT is real life.

That does not require hiding or lying or secrecy.

That still allows me to choose and to have freedom of agency.

These boys are my joy.

They are my smiles and my laughter.

The thought that my addiction took priority in any way over that is heartbreaking.

So, I have compassion for myself and I choose differently every minute of every day.

I am keenly aware that those chains of addiction will never be gone.

I'm an addict.

But if I can keep that lock dangling at the bottom, so as not to bind myself from joy again - 

My life will be exactly what it is meant to be.