Heavy Stuff

Counseling this week, as it is every week, was EPIC!

Mama is starting to have feelings and emotions.

It is terrifying.

It feels heavy.

But, my counselor legit broke out into a rousing round of applause.

She told me that she was SO relieved that I was raging mad.

And by "raging mad," I mean RAGING ANGRY.

She told me that she was SO grateful that I was actually feeling these feelings finally.

That took me a bit by surprise, but I get it. 

Ish.

We talked about a lot of things.

Because I am not yet ready to discuss publicly my childhood issues, I am going to be somewhat vague on this post.

Interjection: My story is my story. When I am ready to discuss my childhood issues, stemming from the time I was one year old, I will. Until then, I will keep it a bit vague. I am not yet ready. I am also not yet ready to forgive. I told my counselor that. And we discussed the fact that my anger is actually part of the forgiveness PROCESS. More on that later...

Anywho, we discussed some HEAVY stuff.

Now, listen up.

Mama has had three back surgeries.

I don't do heavy stuff.

I'm doing this stuff like a boss, with the help of my counselor.

But somedays, it is SO heavy that I break a bit under the pressure.

Que in T.

Poor T!

Among other things, we discussed "our people."

Particularly in our religion, family is discussed in everything.

"Families are forever."

"Families are the most important part of our earth life."

"Families are everything."

"Honor your mother and your father."

Guess what?!

Sometimes our families are not our people.

And that topic is not discussed.

Ever.

When your family isn't your people, where is my chair at the table?

Where is my table?

What does one do with that?

There is no manual for that.

That is a topic that NO ONE goes to.

And yet, how many people have family who are not their tribe?

Want to go even deeper?
Okay!

Get your scuba gear FOR REAL.

Extra oxygen tank, too.

This blew my mind.

In our religion, families are sealed for time and for all eternity.

As a family unit.

So that we can be together forever.

However, there is a portion of that which I had certainly never been taught.

In order for that family unit to be together forever, every single person needs to be "worthy" of that.

If not, that family unit is not "sealed" together.

Mind blown.

Now, if you are not a member of the LDS Church, this is all going to be very confusing.

I'm sorry for the confusion

Trust me, I am confusing my dang self right here.

This is what I know after leaving counseling:

I need to find my people.

And, I need to have boundaries in place for those who are not my people.

I need to STOP  right this minute asking, "What's wrong with me?!"

I need to find out how God feels about me, which is terrifying.

Because what if I'm not good enough for Him either.

What if He really doesn't think I'm too great either...

That would SUCK the suck out of the suck.

Suck.

In the meantime in between time, I am feeling all the feels and it's insanity.

I asked my counselor, "So, normal people feel anger like this?"

She was like, "Girl, constantly. It's NORMAL. Anger tells us that there is something wrong and motivates us to do something about it. It has a purpose."

Oh!

Who knew?!

Not this girl.

But I do now.