Morphing

I remember one day in junior high school, going for a drive to a building in West Valley.

My "best friend," Lea, was in the front passenger seat.

I was in the back seat with her niece, who was in a car seat.

Driving was Lea's sister. 

While driving, Lea lit up a cigarette.

I was directly behind her in the car.

I started to cry.

Like, a lot.

Crying a lot!

I was devastated that my best friend was smoking.

We were in eighth grade.

Her sister saw me crying in the rear view mirror and told Lea.

Lea chastised me for crying.

Soon after, we pulled up to the building we were going to.

There were a lot of older guys there - like early 20's.

We were 14.

They flocked to Lea and to her sister.

They were all smoking.

The girls were getting so much attention, as I stood in the background playing with Lea's niece.

Somewhere in that time, I recognized that Lea and her sister were smoking, that the men liked that and that they got attention for doing that.

I unconsciously saw that sometimes when we morph into someone for someone, they pay attention to us.

Another time, as an adult and already a mother, I was on a business trip with a co-worker.

We were in a different state, receiving training.

There were hundreds of people there, receiving the same training.

We would go out every night after the training to restaurants and to bars with these people.

Note: I am not judging anyone here! At this time in my life, I had never had an alcoholic drink. Ever. It wasn't in my need-to-do view.

Everyone drank, and drank a lot at these restaurants and bars.

Then, a small group of people would come to our hotel room and hang out.

Most of these people were married.

I was not.

While at restaurants and bars, the two of us from the original office would order O'Douls, as to fit in with the rest.

Have you ever tried that stuff??

Freaking disgusting.

Like, so gross.

I don't know how people can drink that stuff or beer!

I noticed that if as we morphed into what they did and what they thought was entertaining, they would like me.

They would think I was cool.

My addiction is to seek validation, love, affection, attention...

From anyone.

In particular, from men.

It wasn't until counseling started that I recognized that with that addiction comes the need to morph into what I think people want me to be.

That way they will like me.

That way they will accept me.

That way they will be proud of me.

Even as an adult!

Even as an adult - giving into pressure to be what people want me to be.

Then living it like a boss.

I now understand that I need to know who I am.

I need to know how God sees me.

I need to know what I want to be, then be that and nothing else.

I get to choose.

Not based off of what I think certain people want me to be, but based off of what Heavenly Father and I believe I should be.

That's pretty empowering!

It's a daily struggle to remind myself that I don't have to talk a certain way, or think a certain way for someone or something.

I get to be me.

And if people don't like that me, then that's okay.