So Much To Say

You know fourth grade?

The most awesome-sauceless year of my life?

The one where I ripped my homemade, one-piece, tomato-red jumpsuit whilst on the floor in the commons of the elementary school... the one where I fell off the monkey bars whilst trying to do the super-fancy back flip ish thing that all the cool girls did and got a semi-permanent raspberry on my face... the one where I won the cake walk and didn't share one bite of the enormous chocolatey chocolate cake I won... the one where I won a FIXED beauty pageant??

That one.

Yeah, so another story from that same year:

Sean was a boy who was in my same grade.

He also went to my church.

Which was rare.

My brothers, Sean, and I were the only members of our religion in the school.

That didn't help the bullying efforts of every member of the school.

Anywho, Sean.

Sean was a nice boy.

He was very quiet and very shy.

I related to him in that way.

He didn't have any friends.

Another relating-to-Sean fact.

One day, after school Sean saw me walking to the car.

I think it was the car. I've attempted to block out most of my childhood.

He said to me, "Heidi. You are the only person who has ever been nice to me."

I have never forgotten that.

I really was nice to him.

In fact, I have really been nice to most everyone.

Always.

No matter how they treated me.

Sean was always so nice to me.

But, even if you weren't nice to me - I'd be nice to you.

That continues today.

Unless you tell me you don't serve Diet Coke.

Or you are mean to my kids.

Or you are mean to someone else.

Or you steal.

Or you call me names on the phone at work.

I mean, there are always exclusions!

But, for the most part - I'm going to be nice to you no matter how you treat me.

And, that is not okay.

That is what is SO great about 12-step.

Everyone is just like me and Sean in the fourth grade.

Everyone is kind and compassionate and rooting for the rise of everyone - no matter what.

Everyone is so welcoming.

To those of you who feel like you are stuck in ever-increasing negative environments - be it in your family, at work, with your neighbors or your friends - you always have someone.

Even if it is only one person.

Even if it is only the checker at the grocery store.

Even if it is only your friend who lives in another state.

You have someone.

You can do hard things.

I am learning how to have feelings about very close people to me appropriately, without giving up my emotional safety and well-being.

It is HARD.

But, necessary.

And good.

And hard.

And important.

And so hard.

It's okay to break now and then.

That's what lets the light in.

But you keep going.

You keep fighting.

It will be alright in the end.