In Actuality...

As my recovery and treatment began four months ago, the overall consensus was that I had an addiction to men.

Not in a sexual manner.

Not even in a physical manner.

In the manner that I sought attention, time, approval, affection (emotional mostly) and care from men.

I agreed with this initial "diagnosis."

I immediately began to work on that issue -

The issue of being addicted to men.

As I began counseling, and 12-step group, I was focused singularly on that addiction.

Then, counseling REALLY began.

Like, here we go...

We are no longer on the kiddie bumper cars - we are now on the roller coaster that surely will kill at least a dozen people each year.

There was an entire 42 years of trauma that was coming out of this invisible closet that we were opening and cleaning out.

Side note:

Twice a year, I'd clean out my kids' dresser drawers.

I'd throw away stuff.

I'd pass it down to the next kid.

I'd remind the boys that they actually had more than one pair of shorts.

Etc.

It drove me out of my mind!

Once they were old enough to do their own laundry and to buy their own clothes, I stopped.

Cleaning out closets and drawers and such has never been my #1 chore...

And, here I am cleaning out a closet that has had stuff shoved in it for 42 ever-living years, People.

As I began to understand the trauma...

As I began to learn about feelings and that I could have them and that it was normal to have them...

As I began to really feel...

As I began to trudge through all of the chaos and difficulty and pain and confusion...

I understood that my addiction was not, in fact, men.

My addiction was all-encompassing.

I didn't care of you were male, female, gay, straight, old, young, rich, poor, democrat, republican...

I wanted so desperately to be seen.

To be heard.

To be loved.

To be accepted.

To be adored.

To be embraced.

By anyone.

I have learned a few pretty dang important lessons:

1 - The way my Heavenly Parents see me and hear me and love me is not comparable to anyone in the mortal form. I need to understand that relationship, embrace it, and feed it.

2 - It is not my job to make anyone love me. It is not my job to be who people want me to be. It is not my job to fit into a mold that people have created for me. It is not my job to fit their perceptions.

3 - I have the ability to break the cycle now. It's never too late. Ever. 

4 - Addiction is for real. It will grab hold of you and take away all agency. It will become your everything. It will blind you, deafen you, and deplete you. Addictions are present for a reason. Find the reason with a professional and work toward treatment and recovery.

5 - Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.