The First Time

The first time I ran away was when I was a very young girl.

I didn't go far.

In fact, I went directly across the hallway from my bedroom.

I went to the bathroom.

I stayed for three days and nights.

In the bathroom.

I did not emerge once.

From the bathroom.

I made the bathtub into a bed.

I made the sink into a rotten cereal bowl.

And I stayed there.

I didn't come out.

I was escaping.

When my dad returned from a business trip, I came out.

That was the first time.

The first of many, many times.

However, the future times were almost always emotionally running away. 

To wherever and whatever I could.

As I have been a runner, I have found different people and places to run to.

Away from my life.

It wasn't chemical-based.

It was emotional based.

And I didn't care that it didn't work.

I just needed to run.

And I did.

Busy. Busy. Busy.

All the time.

Keeping myself preoccupied with running so that I didn't have to try to figure out why I was feeling the way I was since I had no idea what feelings meant or what to do with them.

Now, I stay busy for a different reason.

A more healthy reason.

I work a 9 hour day.

Then I go work for 3 - 5 hours more.

I work out. 

I clean the house.

I grocery shop.

I sell makeup and CBD.

I am on the leader team of our CBD company.

I keep busy to strengthen myself.... not run away from myself.

I keep busy to strengthen my family... not to run away from our issues and problems.

I love to take my boys so much and I am so grateful that I can be there and present in ways I haven't in past years.

Addiction often begins with running away from our feelings, our experiences, our environment...

It's about running from pain and anxiety.

It's about running from feelings that we don't understand.

It's about trying so hard to hide from and to numb pain.

Then we are stuck.

Stuck in addiction.

Stuck in cycles.

Stuck in pain.

Until we aren't anymore.