This Time

Guess what?
Rough freaking couple of weeks!

Guess what?

No relapse of any kind!

Guess what?

I went to my T. I talked to her about what I was feeling - at least what I could describe at the time.

Then I messaged her back later. 

And I told her what I was really feeling.

That girl of mine.

Gosh, Heavenly Father knew I needed her.

Every step of every day of my life.

She sent me a Venmo transfer with these words, "Cancel your dash gig for tonight."

And, I did.

I didn't go to the gym.

I didn't dash.

I didn't clean the carpets like I needed to.

I didn't clean the bathrooms like I needed to.

I didn't organize the storage closet like I needed to.

I started the dishwasher.

I did my laundry.

And, I laid in my bed for the rest of the night until I went to dreamland.

And, that's exactly what I needed to do.

Everything has felt very heavy.

Very overwhelming.

Very scary.

Very anxiety-ridden.

Very sad.

Very hard.

So, I rested this body that is under the weight of hard things right now.

And, that's okay.

Miss Birdie sent me this:

Oh, so much this. 

I never realized this.

All of this.

I'm not depending on getting validation from any other human anymore.

It's no longer needed.

I am enough.

I am healing.

From so many years of hurt and pain and confusion.

I am on the exact trail I should be on in this journey.

I am not rebuilding, but building period.

Learning. Growing. Developing. Budding.

I'm discovering all of the pieces of me, and slowly putting them together in this beautifully imperfect mosaic that is Heidi.

I am being so much kinder to my soul.

My soul that I am getting to know every day.

This beautiful soul that God gifted me with.

This soul that is strong and brave and feisty, yet fragile and delicate.

I am not doing it alone, yet I'm doing it by myself - without the need to have someone else validate it all for me.

I'm checking off each box all by my dang self.

This.