Today, I Write

Today, my mind is all aghast with thoughts and feelings.

Memories and emotions.

Conflicting wars that seem endless.

And I'm not running. 

I am sitting.

Front row.

Experiencing all of it.

Feeling the feelings, but not becoming the emotion.

Witnessing it. Allowing it. Releasing it.

Like balloons that weigh me down until I untie them from my wrist and let them go.

Some balloons must be released more than once... in fact over and over.

And that is okay.

Today, and every day, I practice being strong.

Today, I don't let that extra five pounds on the scale weigh me down.

I forgive myself for eating a little extra bread and ice cream.

I motivate myself to stop.

I congratulate myself for not feeling guilt when laying in my bed at 6 pm, resting from the days feelings and emotions.

I remind myself that cognitive and emotional fatigue are non-negotiable... dissimilar to physical fatigue.

Today, I look ahead to holidays.

Katryna and I discussed the upcoming holidays last week during our appointment.

They will look very different this year for me.

So, I plan and I prepare for what that picture paints.

Today, I recognize that loneliness is a real emotion.

It is thoughts that turn into emotion, then feelings.

These have always mathematically added up to returning to toxic relationships (not always romantic, by the way).

Loneliness cumulatively meant running.

Being alone with my thoughts this weekend was a real story problem.

I never was good at story problems.

I never quite understood why we had to discover how many apples a corn farmer had after harvesting wheat.

Now, I discover real story problems in my own thoughts when being alone with myself, in my head...

I discover that I don't need to run, but sometimes want to, but don't, and thus feel proud, yet drained and exhausted from solving such stories... always in my head.

Similar to trying to understand why a corn farmer would be harvesting wheat and how apples came to be on such a farm anyways.

And I think about how sometimes I am not brave.

Some days I depend on others - Miss Birdie, T...

To remind me that I'm doing just fine.

Being brave and being strong are not always the same two things...

Like corn and wheat are not the same thing...

So, again... why am I trying to figure out how many apples on a corn farm after wheat is harvested?

Today, I practice self care by forgiving myself for being at work in my pajamas;

By being kind to myself after stepping on the scale and noticing a weight increase.

By surrounding myself with people who are actually rooting for my rise.

By hugging my boys tightly.