Underlying Feelings

Truth in words.

I recently told my therapist, and my dad, that as I go deeper and deeper into therapy and realize and recognize the actual cause of my addiction, and work as hard as I can on THOSE things - I have zero temptation to get back into the addiction.

Now, don't be shutting the front door quite yet.

I am an addict.

I will always be an addict.

I am completely aware that there will be temptation throughout my years of life.

However, I have gone through some real, literal Hell the last few weeks and not once have I run to anything or anyone besides my therapist and my T.

That is progress.

Previously, I have seen therapists.

When seeing therapists in the past, I was simply trying to treat the present symptom or issue -

Divorce. Stroke. Sick children.

Never, ever have I opened that closet all the way up - like taking the hinges off of it - and allowing everything inside of it to pour out.

Not only has it been eye-opening, it has been messy!

42 years of stuff in that closet is basically a shit show in a dumpster fire.

It's time-consuming to go through that.

One by one - the memories. 

One by one - the feelings and emotions and actions.

One by one - stopping often to hold the thing in my hands and to really look at it and feel it.

To decide if I need to keep it or put it in the trash pile.

To decide if I want to do something with it, or give it back to the person who gave it to me.

To decide if it's worth my time and energy, or not.

One by one.

Piece by piece.

But, as I do that DAILY, the underlying feelings come.

We identify them.

I decide if I need to do something with them.

Then we take action...

Either no action. Or journaling. Or placing boundaries. Or working through them. Or throwing them away.

As I do this more and more and go through this pile more and more,

the addiction subsides.

And I feel more and more whole.