Just Maybe

I haven't done a post simply detailing and describing and defining my addiction.

I have had many people ask me what my addiction is.

There have been many other people ask other people what my addiction is...

P.S. that's not how we do it, Loves.

When I began recovery/therapy/group, I felt that perhaps my addiction wasn't as important as others.

Perhaps my addiction wouldn't be respected, or worthy of treatment.

Maybe my addiction was even recognized as an addiction.

It was within minutes of therapy, of group, of recovery that I realized I was so wrong.

An addiction is an addiction.

An addict is an addict. 

Addictions are not just defined as chemical-based.

The actual definition of addiction is:

the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.

I am an addict.

With an addiction.

Originally, it was believed that my addiction was to men.

And, let me be clear that my addiction had/has nothing to do with sex or pornography.

Although, those are very real addictions for other people.

We soon learned in therapy that my addiction is to people - male and female.

Anyone who could and would give me attention, time, affection, affirmation.

My addiction is very cyclical, by the way.

Most addictions are.

I would "find someone" to fill my addiction, then within weeks or a couple of months, I would leave that person before they could "hurt" me.

Note: I rarely found good people.

Note: I rarely had a good relationship with anyone. If fact, I can count the number of "good"relationships on one hand.

When people are abused and neglected, they have been taught that love can co-exist with abuse.We rationalize being hurt by other adults by insisting that they love us.

The same really can be said for addictions to chemicals.

My journey through recovery has been HARD.

It's been heartbreaking.

It's taken my breath away more than once.

It's been sad and infuriating.

It's also been like an entire lifetime has been lifted off of my shoulders. 

I feel more free now than I have ever felt.

I am making good, strong decisions.

I have learned that my life is a journey, and not a journey to find love and affection and affirmation from outside of me.

It's a journey to find that within myself, and from God.

And, it's a beautiful walk.