Update on Me

Five Months.

I have been in the midst of changing my life, and thus the lives of my children, for five months.

It has not been a perfect five months, but it has been a wonderful five months!

No relapse.

Read that again!

No relapse.

I feel healthy and I feel strong mentally.

I have not run.

Not once.

I am learning, still, to feel all of the feelings.

Even to sit with them.

To be uncomfortable with them.

To figure out what to do with them - if anything.

To NOT JUDGE THEM.

Not judging our feelings is SO important!

I am present.

For all of it.

I am busy.

All.of.the.time.

I work way too many hours a week, but what that does is gives me the opportunity to work hard to take care of our financial effects and issues.

It also keeps me busy with positive.

And, I can take my kids with me!

I have not been on a date in five months.

That might not seem like much, People.

For me, it's a freaking record!

RECORD.

Five weeks would have been a record.

When someone has dealt with trauma for a long time - it is extremely difficult to just stop what they have done for so long to self-soothe.

Hard.

That's the go-to.

Whatever it is:

Drinking, eating, exercising, pornography, gaming, gambling, drugs, sex, people...

Even though those things don't make us feel better in the long run, they are our go-to for just long enough to not feel.

So, not using those as a go-to is a BIG step.

Because now, we have to feel.

Add on top of that the fact that I am very under-developed when it comes to feelings, 

we have on our hands a HOT MESS!

But, I'm doing it.

We are doing it.

This quote:

I am learning to be kind and compassionate with me.

Just the way I am.

I am learning to give myself the adoration that I need, and not expect it from anyone else.

I am learning that I am enough.

Always have been.

I am also LOVING the fact that I am able to stop and ask myself questions like:
"Is he really someone I would even want to talk to?"

"Is he really someone I'm even attracted to?"

"Is he someone that I really even want to bring around my kids?"

"Is she someone that will root for my rise?"
"Is she someone I can trust?"

"Is she someone who will talk behind my back?"

The fact that I am able to take just a few seconds to ask, and to answer, those questions for myself is a huge undertaking!

What am I NOT doing great at?
Group!

I have not been in a few weeks.

I work on Sundays after church, then I am exhausted and go to bed.

I have two choices: I buck up and continue to go on Sunday nights, or I switch nights.

I HAVE to go to group.

It is my priority right now - to get back to group.

REST!

I feel like I don't have time for rest.

Working so many hours has made rest pretty hard to come by.

It has to be a priority!

Routine.

I am a routine person.

With my increased symptoms, it's more important than ever that I really stick to routine.

This includes going to the gym.

Yoga.

I also need to REALLY focus on reading my scriptures.

I have prayer down!!

But, I need to really focus on my scripture reading.

I need to read the Book of Mormon before April's conference.

And, I will.

Knowing what we are doing great in is important.

Knowing what we need to work on is important.

It's not a put-down to ourselves.

It's a great, honest reminder that we are mortal... that we have things to work on always.

I am SO grateful for this journey!