Abstinence is Not the Same as Recovery

My last appointment with my Katryna was last Wednesday.

I had a whole list of things to talk to her about.

I walked in, plopped my bum down on the cozy couch and pulled my paper out.

She said, "I have some things I want to talk to you about."
Well, by all means!

You go first, I told her.

She stood up and wrote on the white board - all fancy and teacher-like...

"Abstinence is not the same as recovery."

?????

Day one of recovery saw this girl diving head-first, fully clothed, into the deep end of abstinence... and this girl is terrified of water.

I was all-in with abstinence.

Everything I did, and didn't do, revolved around abstinence.

And, I have succeeded at abstinence.

However, that's NOT recovery.

Damnit.

Remember how a pretty long time ago, I talked about how addicts really do replace addiction with another addiction.

It's like a game.

That no one really wins.

Katryna said that, although she is crazy proud of my abstinence, I have started doing things to avoid feelings again.

True.

An example of that is business.

Now, let's be real for a minute.

I AM crazy busy.

Raising children by myself, with no co-parent;

Literally working four jobs;

Running a household;

Trying to manage self care.

I am busy.

However, at times over the last few weeks I have REALLY busied myself up even more than what is usual.

Katryna explained that there is nothing wrong with being busy.

It's WHY I am so busy that is the issue.

Here's some more examples:

WHY do I go to the gym?

For health and so I don't harm humans

OR 

For validation

This one I can answer because it's my place where I go for me and to get my head connected to my body.

WHY do I post selfies with quotes?
To sell makeup and skin care

OR 

For validation.

I took a week off of social media to really think about this one because I wasn't sure.

I think that there were times when I WAS looking for validation from outside sources.

Therefore, I am very intentional now when I post.

I ask myself, and am very honest with myself, about why I post ANYTHING.

WHY do I door dash every single dang night?

Is it for a particular financial situation

OR 

Is it to make myself insanely busy and without rest?

The only way to know your why's is to be honest with yourself.

This has been a great lesson for me!

Recovery is a journey.

I am far from recovery.

Recovery for me will look like this:
Heidi no longer seeks, or even thinks about, outside validation.

Heidi KNOWS who she is and where she came from and knows her worth.

She no longer needs to be reminded of it through outside sources.

And, I have a long ways to go!