I've Reserved a Seat

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you have seen and heard me talking about my ah-ha moment on Saturday whilst at the gym.

My depression for the last two weeks has been about an 8/10.

It has pronounced itself through laziness, fatigue, tears, and no desire to do or be anything.

I have found myself in bed at 5:30.

No gym.

No dashing.

Just there.

As it crept higher and higher on that scale of 1 - 10, I began to feel unworthy to go to the gym.

Unworthy and even frightened to door dash.

Guilty for laying in my bed, yet unable to do anything else.

Saturday, I got up and went to the gym.

All the while, feeling shame, fear, and comparison almost taking over my head space.

Have you been there?

Where nothing good can even get into your head space because it's so full of depressive thoughts?

That's where I was.

I decided to watch a U99 presentation by Brene Brown.

People, this woman has it freaking figured out when it comes to vulnerability and shame.

Her presentation was based on this quote:

Please go watch the presentation.

BUT, here is what I took from it.

Fear, shame and comparison are ever-present in our audience.

Wherever we are.

In our arenas.

Could be at work. Could be at home. Could be in the gym. Could be in the goals that we have set for ourselves. Could be ANYWHERE.

She talked about how most of her life, she had tried everything possible to make those three "guests" go away. If there weren't there, she would perform so much better.

Then, she realized that they weren't going anywhere.

So, she has reserved seats for them in her life.

There is always a seat for fear, shame and comparison.

The difference is that she is no longer willing to listen to their feedback.

This goes for people in our lives, as well.

And, she says this:

While I was on the treadmill, watching this, I began to cry.

Surrounding me, all up in my head space were fear, shame and comparison. 

I literally said to them, in my head:
"I see you. I feel you. I know you are here. You are welcome to stay. There is a place for you here. However, I am no longer willing to hear your feedback. Because also here is strength, courage, compassion, faith, joy, grace, and love. So much love. Those are the guests I am willing to hear from."

That goes for people in our lives, as well.

You are welcome to be here.

There will always be a seat for you if you choose to come.

However, I am no longer interested in your feedback.

If you aren't in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback.

AND,

One more thing...

I need to stop looking for validation from strangers at Walmart.

From the people at Church whose name I know not.

There are people in my life who hold my hair back when I puke.

Who drive for an hour and a half one way to tickle my back until I fall asleep.

Who wipe my tears when I cry.

Those are the people who have valid feedback.