Loss

I have had a really difficult couple of weeks.

I have, without questions, been "faking it til I make it."

I have not been going to the gym.

I have not been feeding my body properly at all.

I have not been reading my scriptures (this has to do with the gym... I listen to the B of M whilst on the treadmill).

I have been wanting to go home and go right to bed.

That means I am not dashing either.

So, no exercise mentally, physically or spiritually.

No income from not dashing.

Bills continue to pile up.

And, I'm really emotional.

Yesterday was my last session with my Katryna.

She is moving to Florida.

It was an intense session.

She was meant just for me.

She is very lovingly REAL.

Like, she tells me how it is.

And, I listen.

The very first thing she wrote on the white board was this:
"Abstinence is not the same as recovery."

Well damnit.

When I started treatment, I went into abstinence like it was the oxygen that would keep my body alive.

I was ALL IN on abstinence from men.

You see, that was what I initially thought my addiction was.

Turns out, it wasn't.

But, I remained "abstinent" from dating period.

And, it was good and refreshing.

However, that is not recovery.

Instead of men, I went right to being as busy as humanly possible in order to avoid some of the feelings.

That, I recognize now.

There is nothing wrong with being busy.

There is a lot wrong with the reason WHY I was staying so busy.

In fairness, I AM busy.

Single mom of four kids responsible for ALL OF IT.

No support.

But being busy is different than being busy in order to avoid hard things in life.

It took me a full hour to get that...

About half way through the session, I began to weep.

Finally, I was releasing my feelings.

I had been waiting for this.

You see, Katryna moving away feels like a loss.

P's birthday is Saturday.

That reminds me of a critical loss.

The anniversary of the stroke is Tuesday.

That reminds me of a loss of my normalcy.

Jackson's one year anniversary is Wednesday.

I have three doctor appointments in five days.

The holidays are ALWAYS hard because I'm reminded that I don't have the means to gift to my children.

I am in a very sensitive state right now.

I've decided to take a break from doing lives for a few days.

I've decided to really try to focus on WHY I am doing things... innocent things...

I have decided to figure out a way to get myself back into the routine of working out and dashing.

I've decided to let myself feel the sadness, weight of the losses, anger, fear, etc. by myself, without seeking validation from anyone or anything.

That's a heavy load, Friends.

However, I can do it.

Last night, after counseling, I sat in Kaydon's room with him.

He said, "Ma, I am so stinking proud of you."

I wept.

And, as I type this, I am weeping again.

And, once again -

To my T:

To my Becky Beck:
To my Miss Birdie:

To my Jody:
To my ride or die people:

Thank you.