The Falls

This past weekend, I really felt myself falling...

Falling into the deep end of needing validation.

That is my addiction.

The feeling of needing validation.

The feeling of constantly - every 30 seconds - checking my phone for any sort of text or message or anything that makes me "feel" validated.

Anything.

And then feeling that sinking feeling when there are none.

This is my addiction.

I was able to recognize that this is what I was doing for several hours.

I got up.

Got on my knees.

Asked God to rescue me from my addiction.

Then went and baked breads and cookies in my kitchen.

Listened to Gus play with his toy.

Listened to Colton laugh at a movie upstairs.

Listened to Kaydon come up and down the stairs...

We have 15 stairs... I know it's Kaydon because he only hits about three of them.

And suddenly I knew that my life is validated.

My worth is concrete.

Not going to change.

I don't need to keep looking for it.

It's right here.

Never going anywhere.

My friend sent me this...

What perfect timing.

How many of us are living, in a high-functioning manner with mental health issues?

With addiction.

With anxiety.

With OCD.

With Depression.

With other mental health illnesses?

My doctor once said to me that I am the highest functioning individual he knows with the issues I have.

Thanks?

Or, sorry?

Or, YIKES!

That isn't exactly something we want to hear, right?

Heidi, you've got serious issues but high five for keeping it all going!

It's OK to be broken.

To be scared.

To be sad.

To be angry.

To feel lonely.

To feel lost.

To feel like we may never pull it together.

But, it's also OK to press forward.

To feel those feelings.

It's not okay to judge them.

It's not okay to move them in to the spare bedroom.

It's not okay to define ourselves based on them.

But for crying out loud - feel them.

I know I am on the right path because I can feel what I am doing.

I can see it.

I can hear it.

I can taste it!

And then I have the tools to feel it.

To decide if it's necessary.

And to let it go.

So I don't drown in the deep end.