Grief

Last week, I had a very hard day.

I talked about it a little bit last week on this blog.

I had to contact my Katryna to work through some feelings.

T was aware of it, too.

But not all of it.

See, there is someone who has been in my life for a couple of years now.

This person has been a substantial, somewhat constant fixture in our lives.

This person is now moving away.

I thought that was the part that I was mourning.

I was wrong.

I am mourning the loss of that person, as I knew them, altogether.

When this person told me that they were moving, they said some other things as well.

As an addict of validation, I have always (and I do mean ALWAYS) done everything asked of me in order to make the other person happy.

To make them like me.

To make them want to be with me.

Even if it felt uncomfortable.

Even if it felt wrong.

Even if it made me feel horrible.

I would do it anyways, in order to get validation. 

Until now.

Eight months ago, I would have done exactly what was suggested.

Not now.

Eight months ago, I would have shoved my shame and guilt and sadness into that closet and sought for the validation that I was addicted to.

Not now.

Last night, T called me.

I told her that I wouldn't be seeing him before he moves.

Then I told her why.

She, too, was sad.

What happened to that person that I knew and loved?

He's just on a different path right now and that's okay.

His value and worth are no less.

But, my choices are different.

I no longer seek for validation like I did before.

I am able to sit with my feelings and thoughts and emotions and all of those things tell me to abstain from spending that time.

So, I will.

I told T that he has lost the right to spend time with me in person.

However, I have given myself the right to tell him how I feel over the phone.

And, I will.

Right now, I am mourning the loss of the person that I knew and loved.

I will always love him.

Always.

I just won't do whatever is necessary for my own validation anymore.