Self Care

December 2017.

Two and a half years ago.

When I was released from the hospital to go home, I think I felt like everything was going to be "fine."

And, it is.

But, I think I felt like everything was going to be perfect.

Like, give me six months and it'll all be perfect.

And, it's not.

And, it's not for anyone actually.

Fireworks.

Kiddos.

Dogs.

Work.

Doctor appointments.

Heat.

Busy days.

Lack of sleep due to who knows what.

It all effects my brain.

In big ways.

And, it shuts down.

In big ways.

Yesterday, it crashed.

As it does.

I never know when.

Rarely do I know why.

I just know it does and that I have no other option but to let it, and to go with the flow of it.

That means in bed, flat, no lights, no technology, no sounds, eyes closed...

Out.

Yesterday, I had to take an emergency med which shuts everything done so it can reset.

I always get SO frustrated.

The fuzziness.

The memory loss.

The confusion.

The inability to find my words.

Dropping things with my left hand.

Water running out of the left side of my mouth.

Struggles with my swallow.

Headaches.

I get SOOOO frustrated.

And I feel such guilt.

I feel guilty that while I am laying down, Mike is cooking for the boys, running errands, taking care of dogs, cleaning up messes, making sure the boys have what they need, taking care of me, doing laundry... all of it.

But never has there ever been a time when he has not told me that it is exactly what he wants to be doing...

Taking care of me.

Making sure I am taking care of myself.

Doing everything.

SO, I woke up this morning.

Pretty fuzzy.

A bit confused.

He helped me through my Live.

He helped me remember what makeup I needed on my dang face.

He reminded me what I needed to accomplish today.

And sent me on my way.

So, I find my smile.

Which, I feel is pretty darn even this morning!

People without partners,

I see you.

I hear you.

People without the most supportive, loving partners-

I see you.

I hear you.

It is not until within the last year that I had a partner that is all of those things.

Gosh, is it hard to do it all.

Or to feel like you have to do it all.

Or to be expected to do it all.

It is SO hard.

To have health issues and be a single parent, working full-time, working multiple jobs and then going home to be the homemaker and cook and chore-doer and errand runner and coach and cheerleader and doctor taker to-er and homework helper outter...

You are doing the best you can.

And somedays that sure isn't a lot.

I see you.

I hear you.

I love you.