Friendly Reminder

 

Trauma Response

 The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your tender heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent by choice or by the circumstance of working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but offered no safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships that always took more than they gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From the lies. The betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Ultra-independence is a *trust issue.*

You learned: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will always drop the ball sooner or later, right?

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt women who came before you. #generationaltrauma #ancestraltrauma

Ultra-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.

So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is vulnerability.

“Never again,” you vowed.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.

It’s trauma response.

The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

You are worthy of having support.

You are worthy of having true partnership.

You are worthy of love.

You are worthy of having your heart held.

You are worthy to be adored.

You are worthy to be cherished.

You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.

You are worthy to receive.

You are worthy to receive.

You are worthy to receive.

You are worthy.

Worthy, sis.

You are worthy.

You don’t have to earn it.

You don’t have to prove it.

You don’t have to bargain for it.

You don’t have to beg for it.

You are worthy.

Worthy.

Simply because you exist.

How Happiness Works

In Chapter 87 of my favorite book, Eat. Love. Pray., Liz talks about one of her Guru's teachings on happiness. 

I'm going to write the entire paragraph because every single word is important:

...People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments.

 

Three Degrees

Our wedding day had it ALL... except for snow, thank goodness.

It poured down rain for a couple of hours prior to our outdoor ceremony.

See that car in the background?
That is where I sat for well over an hour.

This look on my face is from the feeling of dirty water and mud on my dress.

I couldn't believe it.

This look on my face is after a quiet little pep talk from my boys...

Something along the lines of, "Put on your big girl panties and come on!"

And, there was Kaydon's arm... waiting for his mama.

This look on my face is the moment I saw my husband, waiting for his bride.

My favorite Candece said to me later that day:
Isn't that such a metaphor for your life, Heidi? 

The storms just kept coming.

When the rain stopped, the wind picked up and the temperatures plummeted.

Then... after all of that, the sun came out.

My Miss Birdie said to me:

I didn't know if I'd ever be able to see you have your happily ever after.

I couldn't miss this!

It was a perfectly crazy day and we'd do it all the same if we had to do it over.

When Jackson saw me for the first time, he said, "Ma - you are just beautiful."

Kaydon said, "Ma! You are a hottie! Mike, I hope you know you married a babe!"

Braxton is my put-her-together kid. He was the one in the public restroom helping me get dressed, getting me in and out of the car, keeping me warm, and calm.

Colton just kept asking if he could wear his suspenders to school! Absolutely, Boogie!

Evan thought the day was the best, except the wind and cold. I couldn't argue with him.

Ethan thought the place was the coolest ever! It had a river and a lake and a snake and fishing!

The three degrees of Heidi in about 15 seconds flat.

All worth it!

 

75 Hard

I started a 75-day challenge yesterday.

75 days.

This is a self-discipline challenge.

It is meant to increase willpower, self esteem, confidence, and discipline.

I need all of those things.

We ALL need all of those things!

Here is what I have to do for 75 STRAIGHT DAYS:

No alcohol or cheat days.

Two 45-minute workouts each day. They cannot be consecutive. One must be outside.

Stick to a diet. (You can choose any diet, besides a macro-counting diet)

Drink one full gallon of water.

Read ten pages of a self-help or motivational book. (cannot be audio)

Take progress pictures.

If you miss even one of the goals and even by a little bit, you start over at day one.

Pray for us all!

 

What Addiction Robbed Me Of

Addiction robs all addicts of something...

And, let me note here that I am aware that it robs the people around the addict of things too.

My addiction to validation is a process addiction. 

We search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, begging for pennies from every passerby, unaware that his fortune was right under him the whole time. Your treasure - your perfection - is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the busy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart. Liz Gilbert

Addicts are searching everywhere for "happiness."

For "relief."
For validation.

Whatever that takes;

Whoever that effects;

Whenever you can get it;

That is what my constant, every minute of everyday, was spent trying so hard to find...

And, through treatment and therapy which continues, I found that it was always within me.

It's always been there.

From birth, and even before.

It's always been right there.

Yet, my addiction led me to dark places and terrible people and horrible times...

In search of what I always had within my very self.

 

My Harbor

As you know, I am reading Eat. Pray. Love. for a second time.

I love this book so much.

I love that I am getting out of it different ideas and concepts than I did when I read it in June of 2019.

Yesterday, Liz was discussing how she really learned that she could and needed to take charge of her own thoughts.

Richard from Texas (my person!) was explaining to her that we need to admit to the existence of negative thoughts, understand where they are coming from, and why they arrived, and then - with great forgiveness and fortitude - dismiss them.

Liz went on and wrote this (read this slowly and very intentionally):

I repeat a vow that "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore."

This island (me) has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now - let the word go out across the seven seas - there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor...

You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts - all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways - you may not come here anymore, either. Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind - otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came.

What are the rules of your harbor?

What are you allowing and disallowing in your harbor?

Are you holding fast to those policies?

 

Welcome-Ish

I saw this yesterday and smiled.

Very big.

I kind of love it.

I read this quote yesterday:

That ugly part of your story you're living through right now is gonna be one of the most powerful parts of your testimony.

I've said this many times before, but it is worth repeating...

The ugly part of your journey will be the most memorable.

It will mean the most to you.

It will lift you in ways that are impossible to see while you are deep in darkness.

The ugly parts will make you more refined, more compassionate, more kind, more patient --

If you let them.

They better!

Or it was a waste.

Sometimes we go through the same ugly parts repeatedly because we just aren't learning the lessons needed, or because we aren't as refined as the Maker knows we can be.

Let those ugly parts create your testimony.

 

Soul Mates

I may have mentioned that I am reading "Eat. Pray. Love." for a second time.

Oh, how I love this book.

I love how Liz writes.

And, the focuses of her trip to the three I's have so much meaning in our lives.

Yesterday, I was reading about India.

She is living in the Ashram and she is working and meditating for hours on end.

Richard from Texas, who I seriously need to meet one day, is talking to her (or, rather listening to her) as she is obsessing over David... the man she fell in love with while going through her ugly, drawn-out divorce.

Richard from Texas is teaching her about soul mates.

And, Lawd, can Richard teach us a thing or two about soul mates.

Now, anytime I am reading about anything that Richard from Texas says, I totally hear him speaking with a heavy southern drawl, deep voice, with a big country-boy smile on his face.

Just amuse me as I type what he says about soul mates and hear his gravely-long southern drawl...

Soul Mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. His purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over.

Well, if that ain't the truth Richard from Texas.

If that ain't the truth.

Richard from Texas goes on:

I'm going to insert my name into this because I can hear Richard from Texas talking directly to me:

...and Heidi is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using guys to block the door. Let it go.

So, here's the interesting part of this...

I read this last July... about a month after I had started treatment.

These very paragraphs are highlighted and the edges of the pages are bent in to alert me to GREATNESS within those chapters.

However, the way I read these words over a year ago and the way I am reading them today are SO different.

See, today I read them as a "Holla, Richard from Texas! Amen and Hallelujah my Texas Man! Let's say grace and grill up some ribs, Richard from Texas!"

Last year, I was asking OUT LOUD how to do this.

How do I open up that space that has been so overtaken by addiction to allow a doorway for God to come in...

To allow love to swarm into that open door and wrap me in all the goodness...

To find who I am and what I am capable of.

Richard from Texas is SO right!

I seriously need to find him and sip some whip cream with hot cocoa with that man...

Until then...

Listen to that wisdom

Believe it.

Be really alone.

It's not as bad as I thought.

And, when you stop obsessing about validation from others and needing it from men especially for whatever reason...

That vacuum will create the most amazingly big suction of love to envelope your whole world.

And, the best part...

That love comes from your dang self!

 

Keep On Going, People!

Guys, this year is so crazy that it's becoming amusing.

Like, if I don't laugh I will cry...

And I've already done so much of that!

This year just keeps on throwing us the gut punches.

The great part is that our cardio is so much better than we thought because we are still going!

I have friends who have felt all the feels this year:

*MAJOR health issues

* Divorce, death, marriage, birth

* Illness

* Quarantine

* Missions ending early

* Missionaries training at home

* Graduation that wasn't really a graduation

* Hybrid schooling this year

* Surgeries and tests

* Loss of jobs

It goes on and on and on.

Yesterday, I was listening to a podcast.

The host said, "No one told us that we would have to have a year of savings, food, water, etc. for unknown reasons!!"

I was like, "Welllllll, that is slightly untrue. The LDS Church has been telling us for decades that we needed to do this and be prepared for everything and anything."

And, it's true.

We really have been warned and prepared.

We are just in the midst of Jumangi right now and none of us are loving it.

 This stuff is hard!

We have to keep going and in the process, we will grow more than we ever thought possible!

Roll With It

Last night, Mike took Kaydon to the doctor.

He was tested for Covid.

That puts things in perspective.

Poor Kaydon is miserable.

He is so bummed because he is missing school (which has been canceled so far this week), he is missing out on hours at work while he is trying to get the Assistant Manager position, and he is bummed that the little boys can't come over until we get test results back.

It is what it is.

Bridal shower is Saturday.

Wedding next Saturday.

And a sick boy who just wants everything to be normal!

Mike and I are home, teleworking until the results come back.

Sniffling, coughing and drinking hot cocoa.

You just have to roll with it! 

 

Get Comfortable

I am printing this off, laminating it, and posting it everywhere I lay my eyes because I need to get comfortable with all of this!

 

Conversations

This is epic.

Note: This is NOT a conversation between myself and anyone. I found it online. BUT, it's epic in every way anyways!

Sometimes communicating is hard work.

Like, epicly hard.

Note: I don't think that's actually a word.

Last night, after a long barefoot walk, my feet are covered in blisters.

Note: By covered, I mean covered.

Michael was teasing me relentlessly, as only he can.

And I was being as feisty as I can be, giving it right back to him.

Then we laughed and held hands until we fell asleep.

As you should.

 

Women

I wish that I could tell you how many messages I get every week from women.

Thankfully, most of them are kind.

They are also so telling.

As women, we struggle so much with self-image, self-awareness, self-worth.

Every time I post a quote or a comment about worth, I have women message me to thank me for the words.

Then, they go on to tell me how hard it is for them to see themselves as valuable and beautiful and strong and resilient and brave and enough.

I, too, struggle with this deeply.

Mike has asked me many times to just love myself better.

He tells me 100 times a day how beautiful I am, how amazing I am, how incredible I am.

Now, as far as validation goes this is tremendous.

BUT...

The real trick is continuing to tell my dang self all of those things.

I AM enough and so are you.

There are so many quotes and books and songs and podcasts dedicated to women loving themselves. 

There are also so many quotes and books and songs and podcasts that provide shame and doubt and confusion.

Think about those two sentences.

Who is providing what?

Well, God is providing us with the thoughts that we are His.

That we will always be enough because we are His.

Satan, and the world, are providing us with thoughts about how much we suck, how we will never measure up, how we will never be good enough, how we are way beyond the grasp of God's love.

Well, he's a liar and the biggest idiot that ever there was.

So remember:

You are enough.

No one actually needs to believe this but you.

Surround yourself with people and things that are good and validating and connection-worthy.

And...

Satan might have the power to bruise your heel, but Girlfriend, you have the power to crush his head.

 

Validation 101

This quote.

Seeking validation IS the exact same as saying, "Tell me who I am. Tell me what I'm worth."

Addiction to validation is doing that to the extreme on a constant basis.

And, doing it at whatever cost necessary to have someone:

A) Define you

B) Tell you what you're worth

This was me for 42 years.

I will forever be in treatment as to not regress.

However, this was truly how my brain wired because it was what I sought out from the time I was a small child.

Tell me who I am.

Tell me what I'm worth to you.

Tell me what I need to do to be worth more to you.

I will become whatever you need me to become so I have worth with you.

And, I will make you feel worthy in the process because at least one of us should feel worthy.

So I will expend all of my energy to make you feel what I never have.... worthy.

It literally never occurred to me, until treatment, that other people don't determine my worth, my value, or the definition of who I am.

That is predetermined.

I am simply here to learn about who I am...

And that is determined by ME.

No one else.

My value, and yours, is laid in stone.

Not up for discussion.

Not up to ANYONE else.

No one.

I want to be just like Lucia, in You Are Special.

Just let the stickers fall right off that people try to put on me and visit the Wood Maker every single day.

He is the only one who really knows.

And, He doesn't make mistakes.

 

New Month

It is finally September.

I'm not going to lie...

I have no idea what has been going on this year, but it's been rough.

For everyone!
HARD.

For some reason, I feel like September is bringing a new fresh take on things with the brisk morning air, the kids back in school-ish, the smell of Fall candles that everyone is switching to...

I want to make homemade bread just to smell it in my house.

I want to go buy pumpkins to place on my front porch like weekly, just because.

I want to light candles in my front room and kitchen and bedroom that smell of apple cobbler and fresh sugar cookies and vanilla pecan something or other.

I want to watch Halloween movies and drink whipped cream with a little bit of hot cocoa!

I want to pretend that the fair is open, that the MLB playoffs are coming up and I can actually watch them in person, that College football is starting and I can actually go scream!

September is here.

A new month.

A new beginning.