Cannot Change

As an addict to validation, I always looked for people who needed to be changed.

I was going to love them enough, take care of them enough, give them what they wanted and all of those things would make them happy, and therefore they would treat me nicely.

Oh, Sweet Heidi.

That is not how it works, Dear Heart.

It took me 40 years to learn that.

Better late than never!

We cannot change people.

And, it's not our job.

It's not our burden to carry.

And, likewise, it is not up to anyone else to change us.

The things that we need to change or work on are on us, not on anyone else.

I am going to try to tell this very vaguely, as it pertains to people we love.

I am currently witnessing something called abuse.

That is a bold word.

This is a word that has been used to illustrate and define things done to me and my children, so I know the meaning and the fallout of that word.

As I standby, offering love and care to the abused, I find myself reminding her that this isn't on her.

This is on him.

His issues are HIS issues.

Until HE chooses to get the help that he so desperately needs, he is not going to change, and it is not her job to change him.

It IS her job to see her own value and worth and to see that she is enough.

As abuse occurs, there is a desensitization process that takes place.

The abused truly begins to see themselves as nothing.

As unworthy of love and living.

So, as I listen to her, I remind her that I love her and that if she needs to lean on that love until she can walk on her own, it is here to hold her up.

As we realize that we cannot change others, we must also have boundaries accompany that.

Boundaries are important for the abused and the abuser.

There are numerous resources for those who are one or the other.

Don't live miserably because you don't see a way out.

There is always a way out.

Always.