The Unpopular Opinion

I am about to talk about something that, I have no doubt, will be unpopular with some.

If you haven't noticed lately, I'm okay with being unpopular.

For those who do not know, I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon).

As a female, growing up in this Church, there were very directed teachings:

Women marry and have children.

Women raise, direct, train the children.

Women are the homemakers.

Women support their husbands.

Women cook, sew, minister, serve, always have it all together...

From Primary (ages 3 - 11), lessons were directed toward this:

Families are Together Forever.

Pictures shown during these lessons always illustrated a man, woman, and children.

When Daddy Comes Home.

Pictures shown during this song illustrated a happy, involved dad coming home from work with the children running to him while the mother stood with her apron, smiling.

From Young Women's (ages 12 - 17), activities and lessons, even the mission statement of the program are all based around marriage, family, and home.

Somehow, the illustrations always showed a "family" which included a father, mother, and children living happily in a nice home - decorated beautifully, always food on the table, children dressed in nice clothes, a husband who worked a 40-hour job and somehow loved every minute of it, who came home and hugged his children and his adoring wife, then sat at the set dinner table to eat up.

Pictures of scripture study always included this nuclear family, everyone sitting reverently, dressed in church clothes, sitting happily in a circle.

Lessons taught us that we needed to do all the things so that we would be "worthy" to marry a "worthy" son of God and multiply and replenish the Earth with amazing, even perfect children.

Then, Relief Society (ages 18 - dead).

All activities and lessons are about home, family, marriage, child-rearing, ministering, serving,  etc. 

So, when I divorced the first time there was nothing other than failure that it could have possibly meant.

Clearly, I wasn't "worthy" to marry and have a family.

Or a home.

Or any happiness.

There was no other explanation.

Imagine me then having four children and being divorced AGAIN.

Gasp!!

Now I'm really not worthy!

Here I am, raising four boys by myself in a religion where there are no pictures of that mess!

Oh, and there were more divorces.

Not to worry, I've met every quota on that!

Here's the issue:

1. This is not real life. Why the lessons taught every single Sunday and at activities is not about the worth ALL people are born with and how to live up to that actual worth - the kind that is unchangeable - is beyond me.

2. Marriage, child-bearing, and perfect scripture study is not a check box for worth.

3. Single women, divorced women, widowed women are some of the very strongest women I have ever known. Let's talk about that.

4. Let's show pictures of ALL family dynamics: single parenting, grandparents raising grandchildren, mixed race relationships, families with members who are disabled, families where the woman is the bread-winner. These are ALL realities in this world and these all deserve to be talked about.

My marital status does not determine my worth, or yours.

The number of children I have raised on my own does not determine my worth.

Let's teach young women, from a very young age, that they can do ANYTHING.

They can have serious career goals and ambitions.

They can serve missions like a bunch of bosses!

They don't actually need to be good cooks or be able to sew a dang thing.

A "home" is a team effort. At least in my home it is.

So, Ladies:

If you never get married, it's OKAY.

If you get divorced 10 times, it's OKAY.

If you have choose not to have children, it's OKAY.

If you are a working mother, it's OKAY.

If you are a stay-at-home mother because you have an awesome-sauce husband or wife, it's OKAY.

People! 

None of these things determine your worth.

It's concrete.