Confidence

I believe I can narrow down the timeline of when I felt confidence for the first time.

Ever.

In my entire life.

Ever.

It was my first appointment with Katryna.

I was a mess.

I was a mess; the exact same mess I'd been for 41 years.

It was just finally coming to a head and purging that stupid, imaginary closet where I had stuffed all of my feelings, emotions, troubles, lies, neglect, abuse, anger, fear... all of it.

Katryna asked me, "What makes up your worth?"

This was after she told me what my bishop had said about me.

He's not actually a good person.

My family "teamed up with him" to rid me of my children.

And my value.

And my worth.

Little did they know...

Anywho,

I gave some stellar answers, Y'all.

I mean, I felt confident in these answers.

She wrote them on the white board, which made me feel like I was basically acing that test!

Then, she told me they were all wrong and to go home and really think about this question and when she saw me again in a few day we would talk about it again.

I legit didn't know how I could have possibly failed this test.

I was full of  "bad feelings" the days in between appointments.

I didn't want to go back and not have the right answers.

I didn't want to disappoint her.

I arrived and began discussion.

She asked me what I had come up with.

I shrunk in my seat and told her I didn't know.

Guys, she gave me the answer!

Like, open book except it was open teacher!

I was BORN with my worth.

It is CONCRETE.

It cannot go up or go down.

No matter what!

I was born with it.

Say what?!?!?!?!

Why had no one who "loved me" ever taught me this????

Guys, I was born with it!

Nothing I do or don't do can raise or lower this thing called worth.

It is quite literally divine.

We discussed it for a long while.

I went home ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

T would always call me after my appointments.

I remember telling her about this moment.

I could not believe it.

That Sunday, I attended my first 12-step meeting.

We talked about having hope in God.

Everyone gets to have hope in God because our worth is concrete.

EVEN, and I would venture to say ESPECIALLY addicts, get to have hope in Christ.

It was that moment, sitting in the circle with complete strangers, fellow addicts, the most amazing people I'd ever met.

WE HAVE WORTH.

I can be confident in the fact that I am a daughter of God.

I have concrete worth and value.

I can be confident in that.

Don't get me wrong.

I STILL struggle with surface confidence:

I've gained 15 pounds. But I'm still walking.

My cellulite is moving down to my knees. It's gross.

Can I be financially self-reliant? Well I am right now.

My mind is definitely different since stroke. But I'm still working.

According to people who "love me," I've never been a great mom. Well, here I am still doing the thing.

But, I'm confident.

I am confident in my value.

I don't need to compare myself to anyone else because there is only one me. I'm supposed to be me - not anyone else.