You Already Know

Meditation is legit.

It is the biggest way that I hear what God is trying to tell me.

It's amazing how much I hear when I'm actually listening.

Last night, I asked AGAIN for some answers to a question I've been asking...

It was extremely clear as I was meditating:

"Fine," I said.

Then I wrote in my journal exactly what I felt and heard.

And so, I really can't NOT do what I'm being told to do.

Because that's what we do.

 

Grief & New Day

Yesterday, I went the cycle:

Single

Double

Triple

Homer - like outta the park!!

I like to talk baseball whenever I can.

Yesterday, I was in the cycle of grief and it was HARD.

I tried to rest and couldn't.

I tried to sit in the sunshine and it was hard.

I tried to eat my feelings with grapes and sugared up cereal and protein balls and that just made me feel more sick.

See, when I am in the grief cycle, I get actual physical symptoms that mimic post-stroke symptoms.

It's hard to know which it is and that's scary - which then puts me into anxiety cycles.

It's no bueno, People.

I receive so much love and support.

I am so grateful for my village.

SO grateful.

I got all of these quotes.

I got messages of love.

I got hugs from my kids.

And today...

Today is a new day.

And, per Kevin Beck, "Everything can change in a day!"

 

Grief & Time

I worked with a girl who I am now social media friends with.

That sounds so weird, and not at all personable.

Such is life.

A few weeks ago, she had a miscarriage.

Her grief has taken over.

She posts daily that her grief is just unbearable.

She has also been sick with infections that they can't seem to treat just right.

She is miserable.

Yesterday, she posted: "Time heals everything, right?"

I responded:

"No, sweet girl. It doesn't. Your grief is real. It's there for a reason. You are a mama to an angel and your grief helps you remember her. Yes, time can teach us lessons and we can use those lessons to find joy and to bring other people joy, but time does not heal everything."

The Savior does.

Grief is a real part of life.

It's natural and normal to have grief, and to endure each cycle of grief over and over and over again.

And, it is a cycle.

I find myself having so many good days in a row, then BOOM... I'm back in sadness or confusion or anger.

It's NORMAL.

 

Focused

I really like this quote, although this is true for either gender.

Beauty is not about the outside, remember.

I feel more focused than I've ever been in my earthly life.

And, pretty unimpressed with things that don't matter.

There is power in "letting go," in "choosing to not pay attention" to things that don't matter in order to "allow" things in that DO matter!

 

What Do You See?

As I begin to contemplate and co-create with God my four-part experience series for young women, I have at least named the four parts:

Beauty

Cleanliness

Expression

Living Bold 

I will be sending a package to each participating young woman.

This will be one of the first that we discuss and coach on:

What do YOU see when you look in the mirror?

I see:

A Daughter of God

A mama

An auntie

Blue eyes like my Grandpa Robb

Freckles

The scar on my forehead

Short hair

Limbs that all move

My tattoos

A sister

A fighter

A sassy pants

A survivor

A recovering addict

A smiler

A cheerleader

Earring lover

My c-section scar

Wrinkles and fine lines like my Grandma Robb

A big booty and matching big thighs (they make it comfy to sit all day)

Empathy

 

I am an Addict

While sitting in a 12-step meeting, my dear friend heard a recovering addict share.

It was in that very moment that she thought she might actually be an addict.

This dear friend had thought that perhaps she just had some undiagnosed disorder, that there was just something clearly WRONG with her.

She thought that perhaps there was just something really wrong with her relationship.

She thought a lot of things, but after really conversing with the Lord, she was driven by the desire placed on her heart that she needed to IMMEDIATELY begin working to coach other women with the same addiction she had just realized she had.

There are no coincidences.

Had she not gone to that meeting, just to observe...

Had she not already been searching for help for what she thought was a disorder or a problem with her relationship, she never would have very quickly come to the point where she had this desire on her heart.

It is about paths.

It is about line upon line.

When she realized this, and followed the promptings, she began recovery for her addiction WHILE also co-creating an outline whereby she would help other women with the same addictions.

She is an addict.

I am an addict.

I love addicts.

As I have continued recovery in various ways, I have seen the hand of God in ALL of it.

I have learned, and actively practiced my worth.

I have not run, even when it felt tempting!

I have not given in to the adversary when it sure seemed like it would take away the hurt, even temporarily.

I have not strayed from the Father, who is the only One who can give me the peace I so need.

There is actually nothing WRONG with being at the bottom of that human revine.

It is there where we recognize that the only way out is Him.

It is there where we learn that we are actually not alone.

It is there where we see that everyone will have to take a turn there and that because of our experiences, we can help them up.

Addiction is the only thing in this life which has the power to take away our agency.

This is what Satan wanted.

He wanted a life where we had no agency.

Where there was no opposition in all things.

Where everything just was.

As I think about my road to here and now, I am so grateful for my addiction.

I am so grateful to be a recovering addict.

I am so grateful that I have the ability to see things very differently - through a bigger lens.

I was recently told that someone just doesn't agree with the choices I have made.

Good news!

That doesn't matter.

It actually doesn't matter.

They don't have to agree with them.

They don't have to understand them.

They don't have to like them!

Heavenly Father has had a plan for me all along and I am right where I am supposed to be.

 

Co-creating

Boyd K. Packer has said that when we are co-creating with God, including Him in everything we do, we accelerate our progress so much faster than when we are simply studying self-help books or things of the like.

Let's be honest, I am not a patient person.

Like I've said, I really would like to know the WHY of everything BEFORE I choose to have faith to do it! Silly Heidi.

If you tell me that there is a way to accelerate things, I am IN!

 

SO, what does co-creating look like?

Well, it's about as simple as simple can be (and, People, simple is how He works).

We ask for Him to be with us in everything.

We ask the simple questions:

Father, help me to visualize what this will look like.

Father, what is my next step?

Father, help me to see those who are prepared.

Father, please send angels to come help me to create content.

Father, what scriptures do I need to go to in order to create this particular content?

Father, help me to visualize the outline of this.

Father, how do I pay for this.

ALL OF IT.

THEN.

Then, People.

We listen.

That is the essence of meditation.

We LISTEN.

We find answers in the scriptures, in music, in dreams we have, in LISTENING.

When we listen, we are guided, People.

I promise you this.

I guarantee this!

AND, when we are co-creating with God, we are doing His work.

When we are doing His work, we are in our true self.

True & False

I am a very visual person.

I will be talking about this a lot more, I think, after the weekend I had with my Becky.

I feel that I choose to be much more faithful when I know the WHY.

Yes, you can go ahead and giggle at that.

I CHOOSE to have more faith when I know why.

That's not actually faith, I know. 

But, stick with me here.

My mind is all over the place on this post.

I have so much that I want to say and express and teach.

I know that Heavenly Father knows this about me.

Thankfully, He is so patient with this quirk of mine.

Our Heavenly Parents teach us line upon line, precept upon precept...

This way of teaching does not require us to know the "end" result.

It simply requires us to start on the PATH.

And, when we have righteous desires - those come from our Heavenly Parents!

SO, when we act upon those righteous desires (I'll give you an example in a minute), THEN the Father can help us to BUILD upon those steps.

Example:

I have a desire to pay my rent with my Farmasi check each month.

Along with that desire, in the last few days, I have also had a great (very LOUD) desire to work with the youth to teach about the principles of worth, validation, vessels, self-expression, cleanliness, modesty and beauty.

Well, up until the last two months I would have just thought about it and then turned up the noise of the world.

NOT NOW!

NOW, I am all-in.

I can't promise this post is going to all tie together, so sip on some Coke Zero and stick with me here.

Recently, I have really learned (because it's in Heidi language) about our true self and our false self.

Our true self is our divine nature. It is our DNA that comes directly from our Heavenly Parents.

Our false self is the natural man. It is noisy and seeks validation from the world. It is not where we should do our work!

When we are in our false self, we work almost entirely in fight or flight mode.

We are in the noise of the world.
This alludes to confusion, stress, fatigue, and untruths.

When we are in our true self, we are in our rest and digest mode.

We are clear on our purpose and we are working in co-creation with God.

We are more sure, we are able to work more efficiently, and we are doing His work.

 So, here is how we get there:

This is my first step:

AM and PM are sacred times.

When I wake up in the morning, I do NOT look at my phone.

I immediately make my bed, go to the bathroom and then sit to pray, ready my scriptures, and meditate.

Period.

This allows me to be in a state of my true self, without the noise of the world.

The last hour before I go to bed, I turn off my phone (not to look at it again).

I pray, meditate, write my gratitude for the day, read and study.

Then, I go to bed.

When we go to bed in our true self, we are going to sleep with our mind on things of the Spirit, rather than things of the world.

We are in our true self.

This is such a simple first step, but it is HARD.

Hard is good.

My Favorite Titles

My three favorite titles:

"Daughter of God"

"Mama"

"Recovering Addict"

These are the three titles that I feel the very most honored to hold.

I cannot adequately express in words how much JOY I get from talking to people about addiction recovery.

I LOVE addicts.

I find myself in no more holy places than when I am in a room with recovering addicts.

Recovering addicts are absolutely the most meek, submissive, broken hearted children of God I have ever known.

Recovering addicts who are committed to following the desires which God puts on their hearts - THOSE are my people.

I remember the actual physical feeling I had when I realized I was an addict.

There was no shame.

There was a physical JOY.

There was such a hope that enveloped me.

I KNEW that I could recover.

I KNEW that there were programs for ME to get better, and then to be able to help others also.

I was so relieved.

I love the joy that feels my soul when I talk about addiction and recovery from those things that have taken away our agency.

There is zero shame in addiction.

In fact, as I have said before, I fully believe everyone is an addict in some way!

There is a place for everyone here.

There is hope and love and meaningful lessons for everyone here.

 

Written

Yesterday, I sent an email.

I wrote in response to a phone call (message) that I received.

I have pondered what I wanted to say.

And, yesterday was the day that I wrote it and sent it.

Here's the thing:

We all have the ability to voice our convictions.

I have almost always lacked tact.

I did my best to write kindly, with empathy and gratitude.

I was also to the point when I felt I needed to be.

I am grateful that "chore" is done.

In other news:

I was thinking this morning as I waited for my Lindy Hop.

I was thinking about the moments when I KNEW I was truly recovering from my addiction to validation.

The first moment when I really KNEW I was truly recovering was when I said, "No" to a person who I had loved deeply.

I told him "no" AND I told him why.

I remember that feeling.

I remember feeling like I had made a turn in my windy path - an actual turn, onto a different path.

This past weekend, I was by myself most of the time.

Not once did I run.

I just did the weekend.

Me, myself and I.

Recovery is HARD.

It's about re-wiring everything in your brain and then having the courage to live it.

 

The Truth

Can I just get an "Amen?"

Not only is birth a miracle of a thing, but the fact that these four boys are living and healthy and thriving is also a miracle.

I have not always been the best mom.

In fact, there have been rare moments of best-ish-isms.

But, these boys sure make me look good!

Recently Kaydon said, "Ma, you have four strong boys. But YOU are the Alpha of this family and I'm so proud of you."

Done.

When we are struggling, at the bottom of that human revine, we see only tunnel vision.

We even struggle to look in front of us.

We are too busy looking behind us at what might be chasing our harmony.

We struggle to see the miracles already existing in our lives.

We are trying to hard to get rid of the chaos and the struggle.

But, the chaos and the struggle are where I find my biggest joys...

It is where I find my humility, my meekness, my real power.

Struggles are not failures.

Failures are not struggles.

 

Joy

Joy.

That's all.

Joy.

 

Mother's Day

These pictures make me feel like a dang hero...

And they make me want to vomit.

All at the same time.

My first two babes were vaginal deliveries.

Jackson's birth was the worst thing ever!

Both epidurals did not work.

So, I did labor medication-free.

I pushed for three hours.

Medication free.

They used a vacuum, and did a third-degree episiotomy.

Medication free.

Finally, the kid came out.

Oh, how I love him.

Braxton was easy peasy.

I got an epidural (which worked) at seven centimeters.

The doctor pushed on the top of my belly twice and how he popped.

Oh, how I love him.

I was doing "fine" with Kaydon.

 I was walking around, feeling good.

He was four weeks early, but I felt good. 
I mean, I'd just had a baby 11 1/2 months prio.

Then, shift change and the nurse checked me again.

Seven centimeters, but he had turned.

Foot in birth canal and head in ribs.

Emergency c-section.

My dad made it.

The doctor made it.

And, c-section it was.

I hemmoraged two days after arriving home.

Paramedics and all.

Blood transfusion and back home.

This boy tried to die on me a few times in his first three year.

Now, though.

Now, he's preparing to serve a mission.

Oh, how I love him.

Colton was 11 1/2 months later.

He was 30 weeks gestation when I went into labor.

I was on "hotel stay" at the hospital for two weeks because they couldn't stop labor.

I received the steroid shots.

He was born, via c-section at 32 weeks.

He was in the NICU for three weeks, then home with the chaos of four babies, one who was very sick.

Oh, how I love him.

 

Forgiveness - Clearer

This is the book I have been reading during my nighttime devotionals.

Last night, "ironically," I read about forgiveness.

"Ironic" because I've been desperately praying to Heavenly Father to get me out of Anger.

Three days in Anger is more than I recommend.

After my prayer, I opened my book to forgiveness.

My sisters and I have been talking about forgiveness lately...

How it feels very hard... even unattainable.

But as I read last night, I recognized that I have been thinking about forgiveness differently than what is actually helpful for me.

This is what I took from it:

* Forgiveness is seventy times seven times, however this is (or at least can be) regarding the exact same person or experience. Forgiveness is not a one-time thing. It may have to happen over and over and over again toward the same person or thing.

* Sometimes (or a lot of the time) we actually hold onto pain inflicted by people or things because we can use those things as part of our narrative. We want to be able to use these things or people to not take accountability for our choices since. 

* Forgiveness for me is, beginning last night, is going to include visualization. I did it last night. I visualized putting people or experiences into buckets and placing those buckets at the Savior's feet. Then walking away. 

The idea is that it is no longer ours to deal with.

 We can put things or people into the bucket and place them at His feet.

It truly is not ours to carry.

BUT, what that also does is require us to take accountability for our own actions and not be a victim forever.

I can do this forgiveness thing! 

In fact, today I am traveling from Anger to Forgiveness.

 

I'm in Anger

Dear People:

I am deep into anger today.

Agitation.

Irritation.

Confusion.

Betrayal Trauma.

WTF thoughts.

All of it.

I've been here, in Anger, since Monday.

However, this morning I am feeling somewhat empowered by it. 

I want to punch some people.

I want to yell and scream at some people.

I want to call the authorities on some people.

But, no.

I plan to take a walk, or two, in Anger while I am here.

Until I've seen all of the spots.

Until I've tasted the food and met with some of the locals.

Then, I'll travel on.

I'm not taking a detour around it.

I'm going through it.

Seeing the touristy spots.

I'll allow myself to be here until I feel like I can move to the next town.

While I am here, I call and check in with my village.

I talk to my kids.

I play, sing to, and dance to really LOUD music.

I make sure my local Coke Zero supplier sees me every morning like clockwork.

I listen to the birds singing outside my window, which is open to allow the fresh air in.

I meditate - angrily - since I'm in Anger... just seems appropriate.

I talk with God.

I plead with Him for peace and comfort because He knows I don't love the feelings of Anger... But I'm here anyways, so might as well get to know it a bit.

I no longer feel guilty about visiting Anger.

Or Sadness.

Or Hurt.

Or Fear.

Or Confusion.

Not anymore.

There's a spot for me in each.

I just try to make these short(er) trips...

I like Home.

Home, for me, is happiness, silliness, sassiness, fun, quiet, peace, comfort, laughter.

Hopefully, I'll be home soon.

For now, you can certainly call me.

I'll be in Anger for the forseeable future.

 

Try Again

Yesterday, I was off.

I was impatient.

I was quick to anger or irritation.

I was loud.

I was not calm and comfortable and restful in my mind or in my soul.

Last night, as I prayed and did my evening devotional, I wondered why.

Then I stopped.

I asked Heavenly Father to forgive me for having a pretty off day;

I thanked Him for the day and for a new chance to try today;

I asked Him to help me show myself grace.

Not everyday is going to be stupendous.

I have had so many days in a row where, even if I am struggling a bit, I feel an overwhelming amount of the Spirit.

Yesterday, I felt off and a bit lost in my own mind.

So, this morning I woke up and I am trying again!
That's all that we are asked to do, really.

Keep trying.

Keep walking.

There is always help and happiness ahead.

 

Purpose

Those who are closest to me know that I have been having some pretty sacred experiences over the last six weeks, as I have asked and learned what my purpose and my role is.

There is a great amount of peace that comes with knowing what your purpose is and an immense amount of peace that comes with being all-in with Heavenly Father and having courage to take steps every day to live up to that purpose.

This quote is SO true.

When you find your purpose, every piece of ourselves becomes functional!!

I have had experiences in my life (throughout my life) that have been due to my own poor choices (lessons), other people's agency, AND just because I needed to have them.

Those experiences and accompanying knowledge are providing me with the opportunity to bring light to those who are in darkness.

I've been in that darkness:

The bottom of the human ravine. 

The darkest of dark.

I know what that feels like.

I know what seeking hope and help from the WORLD is like.

I also know what seeking only the Father and His Son feels like now.

The difference isn't even comparable.

Two of my boys have this weird contraption called an "oculus." 

I think that's how you spell it...

It's this virtual reality thing you put on your eyes. 

You have things that you hold with your hands.

You are in a separate reality - fighting zombies or dancing or fighting battles.

So, picture this:

You are in your living room.

The furniture is right where it was when you put this oculus on your head.

Nothing has changed, except that you have put yourself, willingly, into an artificial reality.

As things get started, you are moving around and your hands are swinging and reaching.

It is amazing how quickly you completely lose sight of your actual reality - where the furniture is, where the walls are, etc.

You begin running into things.

You begin hitting things.

I watch as they get frustrated with this.

But, nothing actually changed... just their perception.