Beautiful Lessons

Last night, I was driving home from the ball park... my place... my soul's spot...

I was thinking back on my 44 years, and began to think about my true self vs. my false self.

We all have a true self (divine nature) and a false self (natural man).

I am learning more and more about this and they are beautiful lessons.

When you are an addict, you live in your false self - where you have given up your agency, and often times work to take away the agency of others by making their choices for them:

Trying to change them, trying to love them better, etc.

One of the definitions I use for false self is quick, temporary excitement (lust).

"Validation" has appeared in my life in the form of physical touch, kissing, having men tell me that I am physically desirable.

These things have filled, albeit for an extremely short period of time, the addiction. 

They have been my fix.

However, the let down from that is not receiving a call afterwards - ghosting.

And, that let down is a real, physical pain - like a withdrawal.

I don't wish that on anyone.

When an addict is experiencing a withdrawal, we are desperate (literally, physically desperate) to get our fix.

The difference between a temporary fix and a permanent fix are not even part of our thinking. 

We NEED a fix NOW.

That is our false self.

It is MY false self.

My true self, on the other hand, is receiving validation from God - which is always there, it's infinite and it's set in stone.

He made me and He doesn't make mistakes.

He doesn't change His mind.

But, what does that look like?

For me, with dating for instance:

It looks like sitting at a baseball game, talking about kids, work, baseball, trips, goals, the gospel.

It looks like NEVER bringing up sex or inappropriate things for two people who are dating.

It looks like someone asking if you want your water refilled and walking you to your car.

It looks like, 'Please let me know you got home safely."

It looks like a text the next day, "Thank you for a wonderful time!"

It looks like going to sleep with peace, not dread.

It looks like abundance and gratitude; opposed to fear, worry, anxiety and feeling unloveable.

True self vs. false self.