Reacting to Actions

I have some pretty amazing characteristics!

I am terrific at allowing people's actions to effect my thoughts and my feelings.

I take people's actions (be it words, lack thereof, actions, etc) and I internalize all of it, feel invalidated, unlovable, unworthy of love, and less than.

Then, I ACT in those feelings.

This is a pure example of Heidi living in my false self.

I do it more than I thought I did!

I just had no idea I was doing it!

Let's talk about Leman and Lemuel for a minute.

These two are a hot mess express... I relate to that!

These two brothers actually SAW angels on MULTIPLE occasions.

They heard them.

They saw them.

They witnessed miracles brought about by them.

YET...

(This is where similarities to Heidi Rae come in)

The repeatedly murmured.

They repeatedly tried to control all of their circumstances.

They repeatedly tried to fault their parents and their brothers, even trying to physically harm their brother.

And, (again, queue Heidi Rae here) when things "didn't work out," they blamed God and their righteous family members.

Although, in reality, things worked out the only way they could have:

Come in close for this one:

They wanted control over everything.

They took control.

Things turned out wrong because they refused to allow God to be in control.

Surprise!

They got exactly what they wanted - control.

They just didn't ever like the outcome and when they didn't like the outcome, they were more angry and more violent and more lost in their own heads.

This is all very familiar to me!

I have had a history of TELLING God what I need.

Now, that's actually funny as I type this.

Me.

Telling God.

What I need.

Fun fact:

He already knows.

Another fun fact:

I have agency.

So, I get to choose whether or not to be in alignment with Him and do things as He directs me...

OR, I can choose to take control over all the stuff and then be really angry with HIM when things don't work out the way I had prayed for them to work out.

And repeat.

False self.

How do we let the false self balloon go?

How do we breathe in and live in our true self?

Well, it starts with knowing our worth and living in that.