Babes!
I was swimming in the deep end of hatred for my kids' father for years! I was actually praying to God that he would pay child support and desire a healthy relationship with my children, and that if that didn't happen that God would just take him away! I was literally praying that God would take away his agency!! I was so far up in HIS business. I was so far out of my true self. I was in a no-win cycle of hate.
One day, my Becky suggested out of the blue that maybe instead of praying for the things I was praying for, instead I would pray that I would be able to FORGIVE HIM. Novel idea, right?! I told her I'd give it a try. I was at my wits end with negative emotions and feelings and thoughts! I was drowning in the deep end, Babes. Not him. ME.
I went home and said that prayer: "Dear God, please bless me to be able to forgive him and please make up the difference, Dear God." Babes! It was immediate. It was cleansing. It was the life raft I so desperately needed. I felt like a completely new person.
My circumstance did NOT change. The facts of our situation did NOT change. He still did not pay child support and he still did not have a healthy, consistent, father-son relationship with my children. BUT, I had just won the grand prize. I was no longer drowning in hatred. I felt compassion, empathy, and sadness for him. I was even able to say that I felt strongly he was doing his best... his best was not my best, but it was his best.
Note: nothing about my forgiveness changed HIM. My forgiving him did not have any impact, whatsoever, on HIM. The only impact was on MY heart. "I love and accept you, Ryan."
Everything is as it should be. Only all of the time. Forgiveness is like a grand prize... for YOU.
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