Heidi Rae Coaching - Their Opinions

 Validation Addiction is a tricky one, Babes!!

The opinions of others are not only all-consuming in your thoughts, but they are the guide by which you live your life. The intense NEED to make other people proud of you, or make other people like you is debilitating. Your sense of self is lost in the translation of what you believe others want of, and from, you. You cease to be you.

Exhausting.

Everything you do. The way you dress. The way you talk. The music you listen to. The weight you could quite literally die to sustain. The relationships you do, or do not, form. It is all based on the opinions of others. The job you have. The schooling you have, or don’t have. The way you raise your kids. The way you walk and talk and how high you jump.

Exhausting.

Recovery from Validation Addiction is also a tricky one, but the best kind of trick ever! It’s how we rewire our brains to understand that their opinions don’t actually matter.

Insert storyline from “You are Special,” by Max Lucado. Remember Lucia?! None of the Wemmick stickers stuck because she didn’t care what the Wemmicks thought. She only cared what Eli thought and Eli doesn’t make mistakes. Once Punchinello understood that, he rewired his brain and began to believe that their opinion of him didn’t matter either. As soon as he believed that, the stickers fell off of him… one by one.

Like Punchinello, we can believe in our value as is and the weight of the stickers (their opinions of us) will fall off. One by one. It doesn’t mean they won’t try to put stickers on you. They will. It doesn’t mean that some of those stickers won’t stick. Some will. It doesn’t mean that the heaviness of those few stickers won’t make you feel overwhelmed and cause you to question your worth. They will. But, one by one they will fall and you will feel lighter and less overwhelmed by their weight.

Less exhausting.

You will learn all about you. YOU will decide what you do, how you dress, how you talk, what music you love. You will decide what is healthy for your body, what relationships to be in, what job feels the best to you. You will validate yourself. You will trust yourself. You will set boundaries and determine if where you are at is good enough for you.

Pretty fun.

You will learn to let them judge you, misunderstand you, talk about you. You will realize that you no longer need to pull a chair up to that table. You get to choose what table you sit at, and I hope you choose the one that doesn’t talk about you when you walk away. I hope you never doubt your worth. I hope you stay authentically you. I hope you live your truth and that you live it to the fullest.

Exhilarating.

#toptiptuesday #tuesdaytips #worth #letthemjudgeyou #youareenough

Heidi Rae Coaching - What If Mother's Day is Hard

Babes!!

In preparation for celebrating moms this weekend:

I see you if you are grieving a child or a mother

I see you if you have a complicated relationship with a child or your mother

I see you if you are longing to be a mother

I see you if you are doing the very best you can and it still doesn't feel like enough

I see you if you are feeling alone

I see you if you have given your child to another family through adoption

I see you if you have disabled children

I see you if you are co-parenting

I see you if you are truly a single mom, with no co-parent

I see you if you are a stepmom or a bonus mom

I see you if you are sleep deprived

I see you if motherhood isn't at all what you had envisioned

I see you if you have ever made a dinner that no one ate; if you have ever wondered if you would make it to bedtime; if you have lost your patience over and over again; if you've never been told that you're doing a great job; if you've ever been up all night and woke up drained but still pushed through your day; if you've ever said out loud, "Are you effing kidding me?"; if you've ever cried big tears in your car

You are not alone. You are seen. You are heard. You are loved. Mother's Day can be the most beautiful day of the year. It can also be the hardest for some. For most of us, there is a bit of a mix.

This week, I hope that you feel that you are enough. I hope that you know that, no matter where you are on your motherhood journey, you are worthy of love and hope and grace.

#TopTipTuesday #Grace #mothersday #momlife #singlemomlife #coparenting #bonusmom #surrogate #adoption #angelmom #infertility #gigilife #grandma #aunt #teachers #stepmom #grievingmother

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Outcomes

Babes!

This is going to be a long one, so get comfy!

I was going to preface this story by saying that it is about a "friend." But, that'd be a big, fat lie because it's ALL ABOUT ME. The great thing about recovery and therapy and all the things is that we become super, almost hyper, aware of our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Sometimes it just takes us (me) a whiiiiiile to get to the correct actions!

I raised four boys. I raised four very, very independent, hard-working boys. I had no other choice. I needed us to be a team in order to get through each day. My boys, Colton included, did their own laundry from the time they were 10. They took turns fixing meals, going grocery shopping, cleaning, organizing, running other errands, and supporting one another at activities. I am so grateful today as I watch them supporting families of their own!

Fast forward to now - my boys are grown and I have three other boys that I get to love & support. I suppose it's because I "can," but I am not treating them at all the same! My actions have taught them how to behave! B has told me several times over the last year+ to not "baby" them. I continued to say, "I'll decide!" Well, all of that deciding has now led to where we are at today:

For the last few weeks, I have come over from work with ATTTTITUDE. I don't take my shoes off or even take my purse off of my shoulder. I immediately walk into the kitchen, where others are sitting, and clean up all of the empty glasses, bowls, empty soda cans, garbage, etc. Then I start the dishwasher. Then I pull out the laundry baskets and start laundry. Then I make dinner. Don't forget all of the sports events, practices, tournaments... And the best part - in my head for just a split second I am ANGRY that no one seems to realize that I'm mad!!!!! How can they NOT notice that I am really irate?! How can they not see that this is why I am exhausted?! Afterall, I'm doing everything!!!

Let's pause.

This is the moment when I have a conversation with my dang self. Heidi, who are you mad at?

Myself.

Why?

Because my actions have taught them how to treat me. (my actions have taught them not to do anything because Heidi will do it)

Heidi, who are you taking this out on?

B.

Why?

Why not?!?!

Note: B does a ton. He gets my breakfast and lunch ready every morning while I'm getting ready. He cleans the bathrooms. He makes sure yard work is done. He TRIES to do the dishes and the laundry and sweeping and mopping. I have literally told him not to because "it's my job."

So, Saturday I broke.

"Babe, I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I recognize that this is my doing and I need help to fix it."

B:

"We will work together to re-teach the boys to take care of their stuff themselves!! BUT, you have to let these things go and not do it for them."

Me:

Deal.

Couple of things here:

* We literally teach people how to treat us

* My actions, and lack thereof, led to this outcome

* Only I can fix this

We are very quick to blame our feelings on others. Like - if they would just help me, I wouldn't feel this way. We are very fast to assign our feelings and emotions to others.

Great news: when we handle our own business, we feel SO MUCH better!!

So: own your issues. Understand where they are coming from. NOTE: there are certainly times when are feelings are due to the actions of others, but I find that a good number of mine are personal! Change your behavior so that your outcomes are also different.

XOXOXO