Heidi Rae Coaching - What if You Relapse?

Babes!!

I have all the tools. I have all of the information that I need. I have my resources. I have my boundaries, my education, my motivation, my why. I have it all. And yet, I relapsed this past week. I relapsed. I released my true self and went into false self. I felt torment and discomfort in my soul. I didn't sleep. I cried. I had a very long episode. (physical reactions to emotional/mental/process addiction ways)

Here's what I think happened:

I was triggered by a trigger that I didn't realize would be a trigger. (real life) That trigger just kept right on triggering. Rather than "simply" allowing myself to really experience it - feel the hurt, sadness, confusion, envy, frustration - I ran from it. I went into my false self. My false self looks like this:

- Doing whatever I think I can to be loved by the trigger

- Doing whatever I think I can to be accepted by the trigger

- Doing whatever I think I can to be a part of all things

By "doing whatever I think I can," I generally mean that I am willing and capable of morphing into whatever I think the trigger wants me to be. Annnnd, we go on a downhill slide. Not a new, smooth slide that lands on that new soft, rubbery bark. An old metal, chipped, sharp, hot, winding slide that puts you right down on broken concrete. On your booty.

I was able to go to one of my trusted resources yesterday and she listened. Unconditionally lovingly listened. Knowing me. And said, "You want 'them' to love you. You want to have a relationship with 'them' that you didn't have with yours." (I'm putting 'them' in to avoid naming the trigger) She went on, "And that's not going to happen."

That flipped the switch back to true self. She said, "And, chaos. You cannot deal with chaos. It isn't even possible for you anymore. You need order. Your brain takes a long time now to deal with chaos.. You just need to be aware of that."

So what did I do next?

NOTE: I did not talk to the trigger. It would be unproductive at this point. It would be an emotional, rather than intelligent, conversation... at least from my end until I am better able to articulate my processed emotions.

1. I talked to B (my partner) and expressed all of the feelings I'm having, and what (if any) boundaries I need to create or respect.

2. I cried!!! The real Heidi, the true self Heidi, is sad. Hurt. Shocked. Upset (still trying to decide if I'm frustrated or angry or pissed or all of the above). Envious. I feel isolated. All of these feelings are so freaking worthy of my uncontrolled tears!

3. I patted my dang self on the back for being aware.

4. I go through the 12 steps, even if it's a quick rundown with honest answers to any questions that come up in my mind.

5. We try again tomorrow!

XOXOXO