Heidi Rae Coaching - Control

Babes!!

Control, in and of itself, is a process addiction. Control can manifest itself in so many ways, and differently in each person's life. Some people want control over their work; others want control over their body - what they eat and don't eat, what exercise they do and how much, what their body parts look like and what injections and/or surgeries they feel necessary. Some people want control over their spouse or their children; others control their home cleanliness, organization, etc. Control over money is another one...

Validation Addiction also has tendencies toward control. As I was learning to recognize my feelings and emotions, Katryna would have me talk it out with her. Often times, it came down to me feeling like I didn't have any control. And that was so hard for me. Here I was, having spent decades trying to morph into whatever and whoever others wanted me to be... now trying to learn who I was and letting go of the fact that I didn't need anyone else's validation (that I was good enough, completely worth as-is), and I had no control over anything. I think that trying to control something, anything almost replaced that initial addiction of validation.

I have been dissecting me mood over the last couple of weeks. Where is my frustration stemming from? It's lasted longer than 24 hours, Heidi Rae, so let's figure this out! And there it was...

We had our Family Halloween Dinner on Sunday. I had anxiety. A lot of anxiety. I was WAY over-thinking every single detail of the thing... per usual. Dinner was at 3, and everyone knew dinner was at 3. But I knew that people would be asking if we were eating before that. Having everyone in the kitchen while I was trying to get things ready would cause me a lot of stress. Would the three and five year olds be entertained enough? Would the older kids be happy? Would anybody be happy? Would it get too hot in the house? I shouldn't use the oven. What about the stove? I have to use the stove. Would there be enough table space and counter space? I seem to run out of that every month. What about decorating cookies? Would anyone want to? Would the two oldest grandbabies like the aprons I got them? Would they be okay with handing them out to neighbors? Would if people don't like the spaghetti I make? What if they preferred green salad, rather than the caeser I made? What if I should have done garlic bread instead of rolls? What if they wanted strawberry ice cream instead of the chocolate or vanilla I bought? Burke cleaned the bathrooms, but what if they aren't clean enough? What if I didn't mop good enough and the floors look dirty?

**I'm not kidding. This is what is cycling over and over and over through my head. For days. No wonder I had a stroke.**

Here is what I DID do:

* Be proactive. I grabbed protein bars and chips and things we had in the pantry and just set them in the middle of the kitchen table for people to snack on before dinner.

* I had spaghetti sauce AND alfredo sauce for people to choose from.

* I opened windows in the morning to get the house nice and cool, made sure the ceiling fan was on and the box fan. If people wanted to go outside, they could.

* I went to the gym very first thing to make sure I had moved my body! I drank my water. I did my vitals.

Thought work!!

- Who cares if people don't like spaghetti or alfredo, Heidi? This is not Chuck-a-Rama. If they don't want a roll, don't have a roll. Same with the salad. They either like it or they don't. McDonalds is on their way home, Heidi.

- Burke cleaned the bathrooms. They are fine. It's a bathroom, Heidi. It's not Grand America.

- I talked to Burke and told him about my fears. He reminded me that it is not my responsibility to entertain the grandbabies. They have an entire play area downstairs. They have uncles who can play with them. They have amazing parents. He was great about making sure that our #1 being-in-the-kitchen kid (the 14 year old) wasn't in the kitchen, constantly touching me. Burke was (per usual) amazing about everything - helping with grandbabies, letting Jack and Isis rest, making sure the yard was great, being so excited for Kehlani and Aria to wear their aprons (which they loved), making sure the ice cream (which everyone ate) was cleaned up after...

It went fine. Yes, I was cognitively exhausted afterwards. I laid in bed once everyone left. But, it was a good day.

I have to constantly remind myself that being in control does not equal peace or happiness. I have to constantly remind myself that I don't control the traffic, but I can look up and see the sunrise. I don't control what other people think about me or say to me, but I can hang up the phone or walk away. I can't always control what my hair looks like or my body looks like, but I can ALWAYS remind myself that my worth is not up for discussion.

Being aware is key. And, I'm getting pretty good at that. So, bravo Heidi Rae. We got this! One event, one step, one hard thought at a time!

XOXOXOXOXO